Whew!!!

Got my various test results and, as the nurse practitioner said, "People would die for your numbers." Odd thing to say, but still, I'm a 49-year-old, 450-pound man who hasn't gone to the doctor in 12 years, and this is what they told me today:

Cholesterol - 79. Seventy nine! Impossible.

BP - 130/80. A week ago it was 165/110 and I've been on low-dose meds for one week. And now it's in the normal range. With my arm as big around as a football.

Triglycerides - normal.

Lung capacity - greater than normal.

Circulation - normal.

Liver and kidney function - normal.

Diabetes - no. Not even borderline.

Then they strapped me to the ECG and - absolutely normal.

It's very weird, because any medical professional would tell you that, as a profoundly morbidly obese man with a huge round belly, it was highly likely I was at death's door, certainly just moments from a stroke or heart attack, and certainly suffering from sky high cholesterol, BP and full-on diabetes. Because fat is so damned unhealthy for you. That's why they call it morbidly obese, not cheerfully chubby.

So what do I attribute such encouraging results? Well, there's four things that come to mind.

(1) They gave me some other guy's results. I actually started to doubt it could be me, so I demanded to see the lab papers, and sure enough, it's my blood and urine they tested.

(2) Genetics. Except for my mom, who died of cancer at age 52, everyone else for three generations topped out in the upper 80's, mid-90's and a few made it to Willard Scott land, up over 100.

(3) Water. I drink lots and lots of water every day, it's about the only thing I love that doesn't have calories, and I always have been a water fiend, even when I was very young, preferring it to sodas, etc.

(4) Aerobics. You laugh, but every damned time I move it's an aerobic activity for me. Walking down the hall at work, across the parking lot, up and down the aisles at the supermarket, through a gallery, even standing - my heart's pounding away, sweat's pouring down my face, and it's a workout. Sounds strange, but I get in 10 or so short 5-minute aerobic sessions a day just going about my business, hauling around all this weight.

Now all the problems that come with being my size that AREN'T a part of the results today - aching back, desperately unsteady knees, painful feet, chafing, sleep disorders, emotional agony, the sheer effort of being so big, the humiliation and embarrassment and shame, the fact that there's never been and never will be someone who loves me - well, those are still in full force and effect. I'm still a crippled, compromised person in a fat suit of my own devising, a sad clown, a diminished man, a figure of disgust.

But hey, my cholesterol is 79!!!!!