Okay, here's my Halloween costume. Just kiddin'.

But I am spreading my wings a little. I had a good talk with my new life coach the other day and we are working to set a plan of action. This is a big deal for me. I'm not usually comfortable asking for help, from a combination of "don't want to impose" and "what the hell do they know that I don't know?" - but Mia is different. I had the opportunity to observe her at various staff retreats and conferences over the last few months and was taken with her combination of sensitivity and pragmatism. We struck up a conversation or two along the way, and she had genuine compassion for me, so we talked about life coaching, which she does, and here we go!

The thing is, although I'm accountable to her for the tasks she will assign me, this is about me doing the work, me setting goals, me being honest with myself.

It starts with a huge sheaf of "tools" for me to fill out and ponder over. Once I get those to her, Mia and I will have a one-hour conversation every other week, structured around a short list of statements/questions such as, "My major challenges have been . . . " and "I overcame the following obstacles . . . " and "I could use help with . . ." It's all quite touchy-feely, yet results oriented. Mia said that we would be focusing less on diets and exercise plans, which I will be doing myself, and more on the underlying reasons why my life isn't working for me as well as it could. Oh my. She better read this blog, eh? Speaking of, I plan to blog every other day at least, even if it's just the boring "I ate this" and "I went for a walk" stuff, because I know my life runs a lot better when I'm taking the time to process it.

One of the other documents is a personal inventory of yes/no statements like, "I floss twice a day" and "All my bills are paid on time." The idea is that the more of these statements are true for you, the better your life is. My eccentric heart immediately took issue with this list - I mean, I understand flossing is good, but . . . . I think it upset me because I can check so few of the 100 things. At least I got my apartment cleaned for Sheila's visit, so if I just vacuum again I can check the "My apartment is clean and tidy" box. Whew! I'm sure I'll have resistance to lots of the tools Mia shares with me, if only because it'll be hard to face some of the realities. But I'm committed to telling the truth and letting the hard work help me.

In other news: I just made an appointment to see a - gulp - doctor. Kids, I haven't seen one since 1994. Can you imagine the laundry list of ailments and issues I have? But it's been since then that I had insurance, and besides, I have a general skepticism about western medicine (coupled with classic fat person fear of embarrassment and humiliation at the hands of wee little doctors and nurses all eyeballing my exposed voluminous flesh, counting the stretch marks and marveling at the rippling layers of adiposity - and no, that puny scale doesn't go up far enough to weigh me, thank you, nurse).

It helps that my best friend works at the top hospital in town. Ande is, of course, just delighted that I am seeing a doctor - she's been trying to get me to go for a year now, ever since the insurance kicked in. I called Ande with the list of potential docs and she ran them by some of ther trusted co-workers, and the scoop on my doctor was he's fabulous and beloved, so I called, and it turns out he's an MD and a holistic health practitioner, believing in the combo plate approach to things, like Deepak Chopra. Which is GREAT as far as I'm concerned, because I'd much rather meditate than have some extreme surgical fix, if that's the choice.

Mostly I just wanna be able to sleep. I pretty much haven't slept for more than a couple of hours a night for ten years. A lot of it has to do with being so big - there's not really a position I can get into that is comfortable and that I can maintain. Plus I've always been a super light sleeper, so it's been hell.

My friend Paul is advocating a combination of sleep aid and anti-depressant, and who knows, that might be a good idea. We'll see. I'm certain that with some good sleep I'll feel more upbeat. But of course depression runs in my family (Mom, Dad, Grandpa, etc.).

I don't want to go in there with a shopping list of drugs. I'm open to anything the good doctor might recommend (so long as it's covered on my plan), but I sure would like to get some sleep!

One more newsworthy item - my friend MJ, whom I call the queen of AA (she's been sober 23 years!) is going to Weight Watchers and we've agreed to have a weekly call so she can share the things she's learned at WW and AA (cue Helen in The Miracle Worker) with me. See, another reaching out for me. Quite astounding.

But I'm no fool - it takes a village to prepare the virgin for the volcano. And with my supportive cyberpals, I'm READY READY READY!!!!

Just as soon as I finish this enchilada plate.