Using a destructive thought/emotion to see the core belief that spawns it

I love the concept that when we have a thought/emotion reaction to something in our lives and it doesn't serve us, we can follow the trail of that thought/emotion back to the core belief(s) that spawned it, thereby illuminating for us whether the core belief is valid for us anymore. For example:

The other day I was sort of cranky and pissed for no good reason that I could immediately perceive. I wasn't being very friendly with my housemate, and she was bustling around doing all sorts of chores, going shopping, doing yardwork, etc. I half-heartedly volunteered to help her with things, and she declined, which I kinda knew she would. I attempted to do some things around work projects that I had neglected but I didn't get very far. Mostly I sat on the computer and did some time-consuming, not terribly hard things, and didn't get the work done that I wanted to do.

That evening, I was still cranky and touchy. But instead of looking for the reason/excuse in my external world, I chose instead to see where the thought/emotion took me internally. I quickly realized that I was feeling non-productive (non-income-producing, unsuccessful, procrastinating, burdened) , especially compared to my productive housemate (income-producing, bustling little chore doer that she was that day). So my core belief of "I'm lazy" was triggered, and with that, guilt. When I'm feeling guilty (or "not good enough,"), I get free-floating crankiness and pissiness.

Actually, I am not lazy. I don't engage in busy work out of some belief that the activities of the mind are somehow less productive than the activities of the physical. Every day, I follow a moderate eating plan and do some thinking that is transformative. I write on this blog, talk to myself about these insights I've had about self-esteem, read relevant materials, and attempt to apply these new ideas to my life. Plus I usually make my bed, feed the critters, do the dishes, vacuum and dust the house, and so on, so I'm being inaccurate when I label myself lazy. I'm less productive than some people, and more productive than others. If I take away the judgment ("The things I do don't count") then I can drop the inaccurate core belief.

In this area, my accurate core belief is: "I am productive in many ways."

I do not have cause to feel guilty.

I do not, therefore, have a triggering thought/emotion that leads to cranky or pissy behavior.

I am productive in many ways - physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. I have an active and open mind. Sometimes, what appears to be procrastination is actually the period of time that I need to think things through or to get to a place of creative action, which is needed in order to complete the project.

Energetic, creative spurts are just that - spurts - and they need to find their own place and time when they can be robust, powerful spurts.

A lot of times, a procrastination on one project allows for a creative spurt to occur for another project. This happens to me often. I'll be dreading a particular assignment, and so I'll do something else - and that something else turns out great.

Allowing this thought puddle to be exposed to the sun and start evaporating away is a huge benefit - and testament to the ease of this method.

Really, it's an easy thing to do. So much easier than trying to find some "experience" or "event" or "moment" when "something happened" that "made" you "like this." It's irrelevant. Besides, it's your core beliefs that colored that "experience" in the first place. If it had happened to someone else, it would have been experienced differently. How you think/feel about the "incident" is a symptom of your core beliefs.

A person says, "I was sexually abused when I was ten years old," and of course we feel tremendous sympathy and pity for them. But the experience would be different for each ten-year-old, depending on their own core beliefs at the time of the abuse. If they believed, "I am a valuable and precious person," their response to the abuse - and the long-term effects of it - would be vastly different from another child whose core belief was, "I am worthless, I am a victim, I deserve to be treated like garbage." That child's experience of the abuse would be far more devastating, don't you think?

"Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so." This is a breath-taking statement. This is a statement that many of us reject instinctively because it flies in the face of generational attitudes about right and wrong, should and shouldn't, good and bad, light and dark. If we can allow ourselves to get past the whole "But-but-but-murder is wrong!" conversation and see the truth behind this statement:

"Our thinking evaluates, judges and labels things according to our own beliefs."

If we believe that life is precious, then we might think that murder is wrong.
If we believe that life is meaningless, then we might think that murder is unimportant.
If we believe that people get what's coming to them, then we might think that murder is justified.
If we believe that life is unlucky, then we might think that murder is inevitable.
If we believe that we are in charge of our own destinies, then we might think that murder is abominable.
If we believe that "shit happens," then we may think that murder happens.
If we believe that we are a victim of circumstance, then we might think that we will be murdered.
If we believe that to murder in the name of a just cause is okay, we might murder someone.

In each instance, a clue about a person's core belief would be revealed based on the thought/emotion that they have in response to a given statement or experience.

A five year old is killed by another five year old.

"Oh dear, it must've been an accident." Core belief: children don't know better.
"Were they alone?" Core belief: adults are responsible to keep children safe.
"What happened?" Core belief: circumstances create opportunities for violence.
"How awful!" Core belief: dying at such a young age is awful.
"I just don't understand." Core belief: life is a mystery.
"What a shame." Core belief: dying at such a young age is a waste.
"How are their parents?" Core belief: losing a child is an agonizing experience.

None of these core beliefs is either right or wrong; they simply ARE, but their impact on our lives can be anywhere from uplifting to devastating, and it's up to us to look at the ones that are devastating and see if maybe they're no longer right for us. A core belief so readily accepted when we are four or five years old may be irrelevant, naive, inaccurate or just plain untrue for us when we are 24 or 34 or 64 years old.

Our core beliefs are the filter through which all incoming experiences, thoughts and emotions are processed. If the experience, thought or emotion fits our filtering core belief, we take it in; if it doesn't fit, we reject it, even if the experience, thought or emotion has the potential to benefit us.

Can you take a compliment? If not, maybe you should look at your core beliefs. "I'm no good" or "People are stupid" or "Feeling good about myself is egocentric" or "People who compliment me have ulterior motives" or "If they knew the truth about me they wouldn't compliment me" are core beliefs that will filter out whatever pleasure or enjoyment you may receive from such a compliment.

If you have the core belief, "I love and approve of myself," then it's easy to take a compliment. After all, whatever they're complimenting is in synch with your own belief.

If you have the core belief, "I love and approve of myself," then you will naturally filter out believing it when somebody calls you dumb or ugly or fat. That doesn't mean you won't get angry, because you may have a core belief that says, "I deserve to be treated with loving respect," and it would be an appropriate response to be a little angry. But your love and approval of yourself remains unshaken, and you wouldn't be "hurt."

Being hurt by what another person says is impossible when your core belief in yourself is unshakable. It's very easy to be hurt by what someone says when the words match up with your core belief. If someone call you "lardass" and your core belief is, "I'm fat and fat is ugly and I'm no good," then their words will be agonizingly painful to you. If someone calls you "lardass" and your core belief is, "I love and approve of myself, unconditionally, regardless of the size or fatness of my ass," then the word won't kill you.

Having core beliefs that work for your life is like having a gorgeous, ornately carved shield made of jewel-encrusted titanium. The shield has tiny holes all over it which let in all the life-affirming, glowing, healthy, constructive, and miraculous thought/emotion rays of light that feed us, while the negative, counterproductive, irrelevant, inaccurate, and destructive thought/emotion bullets bounce off the shining titanium.

I deserve to carry such a shield.
I can be sensitive without being vulnerable to attack.
I can see my core beliefs as they are revealed to me by my thoughts/emotions, and without guilt, I can revise the core beliefs that lead to a result I choose not to have.