NEWS FLASH!

In a move designed to appeal to all us hefty-ass drivers, some of the major car manufacturers have increased the seat width on upcoming models - get this - UP TO THREE-QUARTERS OF AN INCH!

I just learned this from the local news station, which used the report to feature yet another montage of from-the-neck-down jiggly fat people at the mall, in the supermarket parking lot, scratching their bellies, wearing pale blue spandex pants that conform to each lump of cellulite.
This is the standard "Post-Christmas Fat Anxiety" story designed to scare the bejesus out of people and get them to spend money money money on diet programs, exercise equipment, gym memberships, supplements, liposuction, gastric by-pass operations . . . . . . it's also designed to get people to make New Year's resolutions they haven't a chance in the world to keep, and when they give up, to sell them new clothes, self-tanning lotions, turnaround creme, viagra, lipitor, meridia, maalox, McDonald's new fat free fudge shakes, and on and on.

In other words, folks, it's a great big money-making scheme which puts the news agencies in cahouts with the advertizers to sell YOU product.

Side effects of this product-selling combine: Lower self-esteem, public embarrassment and shame, a feeling of hopelessness, and the resulting weight gains of fatties everywhere when they turn to food to comfort them in their sad state of mind.

Oh, and by the way - THREE QUARTERS OF AN INCH? You've got to be kidding.