Ho ho ho

It's Christmas, the most fattening time of year for lots of us.

I lost five pounds during Thanksgiving week, and I was hopeful that I could do the same, or at least not gain any weight, during Christmas. But my housemate stocked up for her mother's impending visit, and her mother and friend brought oodles of goodies into the house, and suddenly, temptation was all around me. A two-pound wedge of gouda, a three-pound can of Planter's cocktail mix, butter, cornbread, chocolate, cookies, crackers, and invitations to lunches, dinners, and parties. Ande made a huge batch of Irish Creme liquor (her Christmas tradition).

I started with good intentions. I made dinner for everyone that night - a light stir fry of prawns, fresh bamboo shoots and baby bok choy over rice noodles. So far so good. That evening we all played dominoes, and I sipped first on the liquor, then had two berry-flavored coolers. The next morning Ande was munching on some stollen that she described as scrumptious, and I quickly succumbed. I started with a small piece of stollen. Then a small dish of mixed nuts. The nuts were indescribably delicious. I noticed that the girls had cut into the wedge of Gouda so I could steal a hefty slice. It was heaven. A "what the hell" attitude swept over me and during a gift-shopping excursion that afternoon I got a reuben from Arby's. The following day, I went to lunch with the ladies and ordered a huge sirloin burrito. I also ate a roll with butter. Afterwards, I went shopping again and got myself an almond snickers. That night I made omelets for eveybody and the one I made for myself was dripping with butter and gouda. My bedtime snack was the snickers bar. It was so sweet that I almost couldn't eat it, but I ate it anyway. I spent the night writhing in pain from the cheese, flour and sheer amount of food in my system. I awoke yesterday morning and felt bloated and logy.

So I started on the right foot, eating a grapefruit for breakfast and cooking chicken for dinner. But yesterday was also the day my little 17-year old dog Gypsy fell ill, and after snuggling with her all day, I took her to the Vet and had her euthanized. It was a difficult experience, and afterward I got three double cheeseburgers (they're just a dollar apiece) and two apple pie thingies at McDonalds. I ate two of the burgers and one of the pies, and tossed out the rest, but I felt sick from the amount of food in my stomach. I remember "weighing" the bag of food when they handed it to me at the drive-up window, and it was so heavy! So much food, so much volume, and I was struck with how that was a usual afternoon snack in the old days - the food I ate on the way home, before I made a huge dinner. I used to get the bag of food and think, "Hmmm, it's quite heavy - I wonder if it's enough?" Now I'm just dumbstruck at the volume I used to able to handle. But of course I couldn't handle it then, either. I lived in a constant state of gassy, bloated discomfort, which I masqueraded with handsful of aspirin and ibuprofen.

Last night, at bedtime, I had a can of pineapple as always, but I also had about a cup of mixed nuts. I was miserable all night long, grieving for Gypsy and unable to get into a comfortable position to sleep because of my extended digestive tract.

This morning it's Christmas, and I put on a happy face for Ande and her visitors, but of course I feel badly - about Gypsy, and also because I'm feeling sick from eating what I did, eating as much as I did, and for engaging in self-destructive behavior. So today it's right back on track. I didn't feel like going to Christmas dinner at Ande's friend's house - too much happy banter at a time I can't really do it for long - so I made my excuses and I'm glad I did. It might have been all right, but I needed to distance myself from food, and to have the opportunity to refocus by writing this blog. It's much harder to say no to a delicious honey-baked ham dinner with all the trimmings, than it is to be here in my room, a grapefruit skin scenting the air, and no temptation.

I just wrote a post about Gypsy and Dad, which may not be a traditional way to spend Christmas, but it was what I needed to do, and I ate a grapefruit for breakfast and chicken for lunch. Tonight I'm going to have more chicken, more pineapple, and end the day knowing that I have pulled it together after a three-day detour.

I'm not feeling guilty and I'm not beating myself up for "being bad." I am shocked at how uncomfortable I was physically. I used to eat like that every day. And I would be gaseous, bloated, overfull, and sleep fitfully night after night. I was "high," literally clouded by the various chemical systems in my body trying to deal with digesting the food I ate. It's amazing to contrast that to the way I feel when I'm on track. No headache, no gastric distress, just comfortable. Sober. Even headed.

It's an important realization -- the indulgent behavior that sometimes masquerades as "comfort" really gives me no comfort at all, just discomfort.

Ande's mom and her friend leave tomorrow. It's been great seeing them, and they've been very kind to me as I've dealt with Gypsy's illness and death. But I'll be glad to see them go, along with their peanuts and chocolate and cheese and all the other goodies that aren't really goodies to me anymore.

How grateful I am that I usually live in an environment that is free of temptation. It's a hugely important part of my success. My housemate Ande has been wonderful about keeping these products out of the picture. About the only thing in the house that tempts me is a jar of mayonnaise, and only when I eat tuna salad does it beckon to me. Otherwise, "goodies" don't influence me. It's amazing to think how satisfied I am these days to eat grapefruit and chicken and brown rice and broccoli and pineapple each day. I'm comfortably full, I'm energized, I have no physical ill-effects from these foods, and I truly enjoy what I eat.

So Merry Christmas to me, and I'm very glad I have put my three-day detour behind me. Onward and upward!