Out on a limb

I've been dealing with a crisis at work the last three weeks, and I'm finally getting to the other side of it. In a nutshell, I did the right thing, but in the wrong way, which was immediately flagged by the legion of bean counters in my office and caused a bruhaha of epic proportions. Apparently my crime was to do a work-around in order to accomplish a necessary goal, not knowing that the work-around method I chose was a technique done in the past to conceal wrongdoing. But that wasn't my intention at all; my motive was honorable and the opposite of self-serving. Still, my agency bigwigs are having a tizzy, and I really shouldn't expect otherwise, since my entire agency is really a great big accounting firm, and the emphasis is on appearance of perfection rather than on accomplishment of tasks. So long as all the chickens are running around with checklists, verifying that the other chickens are running around with checklists, all is well. Forget about actually getting things done.

The fallout has been stunning. First came my boss, who used to love me, and who now is doing everything in her power to distance herself from me in fear that this act of mine will somehow reflect on her. She's also become heavy-handed in her ordering me around on even the most mundane of tasks so that she appears to be on top of the situation and is effectively reining me in. It's a finger-pointing culture around here, and everyone is busy pointing fingers. Then there's the generally gossipy atmosphere of the office as it seems each person knows my crime (although probably not an accurate version of it) which casts a shadow over every cheerful "Hi!" or "How was your weekend?" I'm marked with a scarlet letter now, and it's a precipitous drop from the heights of Federal Employee of the Year and the good reputation I presumably enjoyed only two months ago. Finally, there's the looming prospect of an official "investigation" followed by some sort of reprimand ranging from a don't-do-it-again letter to a suspension without pay of a few days or even a couple of weeks, either of which will besmirsh my otherwise pristine federal employment record.

So.

I admitted my wrong doing immediately and have been as contrite as I know how to be. I AM sorry for making the boo boo and am suitably humbled/embarrassed/shamed by the whole incident. I will get through this. An upside of this experience is that, with all the ordering around my boss is doing, I've caught up on my filing and shredding, so nothing stands in the way of hitting the road.

But it makes a girl think.

I've tried to be as cheerful and upbeat over the last year and a half about my general work situation here in Albuquerque, tried to find meaning and satisfaction in what I knew to be the most unrelentingly mundane of secretarial duties, and tried to see my work as simply a well-paying platform for all the OTHER things in my life I needed to give attention to. I haven't been that successful, frankly, because I've held onto the core belief that work is hugely important to my sense of self. I've come to see that I've been on the wrong track. I've looked to my work experience to stoke the fires of self-esteem, and this is fundamentally a trap.

Because when it all comes to shit, you're left with nothing to feel good about yourself.

So enough of that.

I do believe that the Universe percolates up experiences to allow us to see things more clearly. If I've brought this onto myself, and surely I did - I knew exactly what I was doing when I did it, knew the consequences of it , and did it anyway, despite my altruistic goals - then the purpose of it is to throw a spotlight onto some areas of my thinking/believing/being that need illuminating.

There's a lightness that comes with having a different perspective. I've been knocked down a couple of pegs in the mountain of life, but it seems I was going up the wrong path to begin with, so now I get to rethink my ascent.