The reappearance of a negative core belief

I've been working on a "big project" these last three weeks. To be honest, I spent the first two weeks thinking about it, and just this last week getting down to business. I have a self-imposed deadline (tomorrow) and a ton more work to do, and it's gonna be okay. The thing is, it's been an amazing window into a tangent of core beliefs I have about myself that at first glance aren't specific to the weight problem but are, in fact, very specific:

"I always procrastinate." (not good enough)
"The work I do is good but it's never as good as I hoped." (not good enough)
"I'm not worth the money I'm being paid to do this." (not good enough)
"If the person I'm preparing this for doesn't love it 100% I'm going to be pissed." (expectation of failure)
"I'll probably be disappointed and defensive at her reaction." (expectation of failure)
"I'm no good." (not good enough)

It's no surprise that I've been having cravings pretty much nonstop. I haven't acted on them, but as the anxiety of the project grows, as the deadline looms, I've got peanut butter cookies and wedges of cheese dancing around my head to a cute little ditty called, "Come on and eat me, baby! It's okay! Let me comfort you! Let me soothe your troubled mind!"

Other things are going on, too.

I'm a little antsy and defensive with my housemate. I feel like she's not appreciating the humongousness of this challenge for me (silly girl, she has confidence that I'll do just fine). I'm also on the lookout for added pressure - the money I'll make is gonna help out around here, but (gulp) what happens if I don't succeed? Did she leave out that telephone bill to work me? Is she pissed that I'm not helping her in the yard this weekend because I'm busy? Am I letting her down?

A number of little physical ailments have cropped up, too. I've fallen into a narcolepsic period. Can't get enough sleep. I've got a strange sensation of tightness on the left side of my face. I feel a little queasy. I'm pretty sure a cold sore is about to make an appearance.

So. Anyway. As I sit here cataloguing all the ways I (ineffectively) process anxiety, I realize that it's all built on a shaky foundation. I've tapped into a long-held core belief - I'm not good enough - as it manifests for me during a work project. I literally can turn it around right now by seeing that I am plenty good enough. These feelings, concerns, maladies, fears - and cravings - are floating on a sea of self-doubt. I don't need to create this pressure on myself in order to obtain a result. I don't need to make it such a big deal in order to "earn" the money.

As Jack Webb of Dragnet would say, "Just the facts, Ma'am."

It takes a period of time for me to think through a project and allow the creative juices to flow before I can attack the project more directly. This is my process, and it's an effective one. It works for me. I could make allowances for it when I create timelines, and I could acknowledge that the hours spent in cogitating are as valuable as the hours spent constructing.

I have good ideas and I have strong writing skills. The work I do is professional, well-executed, and built on strong insights and ideas. I acknowledge my talents and skills and make good use of them.

I deserve the money I earn from projects like this.

I can expect success.

When it comes time to submit the project, I can let go of expectations and simply know that any reaction to it is subjective. Like an artist who hangs a painting on a gallery wall, I know that some people may love it, some people may hate it, and most people will be in the middle.

My goal is not for the project (and by extension, me) to be perfect; my goal is to deliver a strong product that is true to what I said it would be and is well-worth the money being paid for it. It is not necessary, or even expected, by me or by the recipient, that it be perfect, whatever that is.

Caveat Emptor - let the buyer beware! (Ha ha ha, but there's something to that after all, I suppose, in that I don't need to hold myself to expectations miles higher than the marketplace. I am another vendor, a farmer who has promised his next crop to the squire. If it's bounteous and worm-free, then we both rejoice; if it's not quite the bumper crop, well then, we are adults, and we recognize that it was a possibility when we struck the deal. I dutifully tended to the crop.)

I don't need to get sick so I have an excuse if I miss the deadline or I turn in a less-than-perfect product. I don't need to let myself off the hook. I don't need to fail.

I don't need to make the person who hired me into a disappointed parent.

I don't need to make myself into the disappointing child.

I don't need to test their love for me by failing.

I don't need to use this project to confirm core beliefs I no longer see as valid.

I am good enough to do this project.

I approve of the work I've done so far on this project.

I love and approve of myself and the skills and talents I have, and I forgive myself for falling into old patterns of behavior.

I have all the skills and confidence and time I need to well-execute this project.

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I wish I had known all this was coming at the beginning of the project instead of at the endgame, but it's been an important thing for me to realize about myself. In so many ways, it's our interactions with the world that allow us to have experiences that bring out thoughts and feelings that are based on core beliefs we no longer hold. If I lived in a cave, I wouldn't be challenged. But it's through the challenges that I can shed a light on the beliefs and make the changes I want to make. Like just about everything these days, this experience is invaluable.

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POSTSCRIPT - Monday

I finished the project.
I made the deadline.
I put the report in the mail (and had a delightful conversation with a very sweet older lady while waiting in line at the post office).
I think I did an excellent job - I'm pleased with it.
My various physical ailments have all cleared up.
I didn't get a cold sore.
And I didn't binge around the experience.
Yippee for me!