Another Stumble

Changing your core beliefs is an ongoing process. It's not a switch that is flipped. I sort of hoped it would be, but I'm discovering that old core beliefs are hard to lose. They lurk in a million different places, attached to memories and fears, and can be triggered when you least expect it.

I had a trigger the other day. It was a simple, friendly email from an old boss of mine, looking for something in the files that she couldn't find. She asked me where I thought it might be. The short answer is, I don't remember anymore if I did the thing she's looking for or not. And that's the end of it. If I didn't do it the way I was supposed to, it can be fixed very easily.

But for me, suddenly I was reliving that job, and remembering the filing system I never did update, and the little tasks I never completed, and the sense that I left a trash heap in my wake when I left the job. It wasn't long before I was running a list down in my mind of all the things I did wrong on that job, three years of mistakes, three years of laziness and procrastination and work done poorly. One after another, the list of mistakes became an indictment, a litany of everything that's wrong with me, everything that's "less than."

In twenty minute's time I went from upbeat to despondent. And my inner critic went to town: "They're gonna find out now. You had them fooled, they thought you were fantastic, but now they're gonna discover you were a fraud, you never did anything right, you weren't fantastic, you weren't perfect. You're lame, that's what you are, and they'll know it."

As I spiraled down to a place of self-loathing and fear, a sadly familiar place, all memories of the good things I did on that job went out of my thoughts. It was just me, embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed at myself, guilty guilty GUILTY for all the things I didn't do that I should've done.

I stewed in sullen self-hate for awhile, zapped of energy and feeling defeated. It was a terrible afternoon. I desperately wanted to eat - but there wasn't anything in the house that was "bad" so I considered jumping in the car and hitting some fast food places. I could have a big fatty burger in my mouth in less than two minutes if I wanted to. Instead I made my chicken breast and rice as usual and paced the house while it cooked.

About two hours into my cesspool experience I realized that the old beliefs had reemerged and were quick to bring me to this negative place. I thought to myself, "What can I do to change this?" I cannot go into the past and undo my mistakes. But I can stop beating myself up about them, and that will be better than falling back to self-loathing.

Still hungry and with a nervous ache inside, I sat down in a quiet place and talked to myself out loud:

• I have forgiven myself already for the mistakes I've made in the past. That includes mistakes I remember and mistakes I don't remember.
• For every mistake I made, there's ten things I did right.
• Everybody makes mistakes and can remember times when they didn't do as well as they could. I'm just like everybody.
  
• Just because a former employer realizes I made mistakes doesn't mean they will think I'm horrible, and besides, I remember many things I did that were above and beyond expectation.
• Remembering past mistakes or having them pointed out to me does not have to cause me such distress.
• I am creating this difficulty because I have fallen into an old pattern that was based on core beliefs that are no longer valid (I'm not good enough, I'm a fraud).
• When past mistakes are remembered or pointed out to me, I can use that moment as an opportunity to remind myself that I have forgiven myself for all of my mistakes.
• Whatever regret, guilt and shame that used to be attached to the mistakes I've made, and the self-punishing behavior I engaged in, is more than enough punishment for the crime.
• I have engaged in a lifetime of self-punishing behavior because I have not forgiven myself for all the mistakes and missteps I've made. It is time to let go of this destructive process.
• Today is a new day.
• I love, approve of and forgive myself.
• I will use this experience as a way to reestablish my new self beliefs and to reconfirm how the old self beliefs were simply wrong.
• I am a human being. I make mistakes. I accept that I have made mistakes and will make mistakes in the future.
  
• Perfection is not the goal or the expectation.
• I forgive myself for mistakes of the past.
• I let go of fear about what other people might think of me if they discovered my mistakes.
• I remind myself that I am a work in progress and that there may be challenges ahead.
• I am grateful for this opportunty to be reminded of how negative core beliefs color a memory.

Let me say that this process wasn't easy. I really wanted to wallow in familiar, comfortably uncomfortable self-loathing. I wanted to jump on a plane, go to Seattle, sneak back into the office and correct my mistakes. I wanted to punish myself with a huge binge, a sleepless night, and a sour disposition. Because I made mistakes in the past.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day remembering all the good things I did on that job.