Attitude Adjustment

Just so you know, I've dropped 100 pounds since August. But this is not the point; losing weight is a side-effect of changing my beliefs about myself. The important thing that's occured is that I am learning to love, accept and forgive myself. One of the by-products is weight loss. Another by-product is I make my bed every morning; Still another by-product is hope has begun to percolate within me for the first time in many years, and with it comes plans and dreams and schemes and zestful enthusiasm.

What I might say instead is, "Guess what? I've dropped five toxic beliefs about myself that brought me years of misery! Now I can wear this gorgeous outfit, because it fits my self-esteem so perfectly!"

There's definitely an attitude adjustment that's occurred. I've let myself off the hook, basically, and when I make mistakes or say the wrong thing I still maintain a base level of self-esteem that's inalienable. I'm far from perfect; but I'm much more okay with myself. Besides, my goal isn't perfection, but to simply be the Stevie I am and the Stevie I'm becoming.

Seems to me we're all in a dual state - we are being, and we are becoming. But I don't think they're separate; We are at all times both things. I am the flowering of my being at present, and the promise of my becoming in the future, all at once.

I accept the Stevie I am being and I accept the Stevie I am becoming. This is much more significant, I believe, than the weight loss. This is, in fact, the main goal of this mission.

The more I love and approve of myself, and the more I forgive my mistakes, the more inclined I am to do good things for myself (such as eating healthily and moderately).

Most of my friends have an inviolate sense of self-worth and value. I sometimes didn't identify it for what it was, or rather, I didn't identify the lack of it in myself. I just thought I was hyper-self-critical. I held myself to an unreachable standard (i.e., perfection, whatever that means), then wallowed in guilt when I didn't attain it, rejecting the evidence of worth in myself and magnifying the evidence of worthlessness because it was consistent with my low self-opinion. I thought self-esteem was reserved for people who were do-gooders and be-gooders, shining perfect people, certainly not for obese people. What do you mean, I could feel okay about myself? I wasn't perfect, in fact far from it, I wasn't okay, and it was apparent to the whole damn world. To think I was okay was a conceited, blind, self-deceptive lie. Maybe one day, IF I lost a bunch of weight, or IF I corrected all my past wrongs, or IF someone loves me the way I should love myself, that will be the day I can feel good about myself. Well, I was wrong.

So what is in store for 2006? More, more more - more self-esteem, more acceptance, more forgiveness, and more love, and let the by-products fall where they may!