Today I am a federal employee again. Ringa dem bells!
Last week was a whirlwind - my new employer called me on Monday to say I passed the preliminary security clearance, and that they wanted me to start in a week. I was just about to go in to my old boss and give her the bad news when one of the other employees announced at the staff meeting that she had just resigned! Well, whatayaknow! I let her news sink in all around, and, heart pounding, almost said, "Me, too!" but decided to tell the boss in private first. DB (Dysfunctional Bosslady) started our meeting later that day by assigning me all of the quitter's projects (even though the person who quit makes 40-something and I was barely scratching 30). I had to say, "Uhm, excuse me, DB, but I'm afraid I'm resigning, too - here's my letter of resignation - my last day will be Wednesday." Ker-PLAT!!! Oh my, oh my, oh my!!! I'd like to report I didn't have a smug, satisfied look on my face when I saw her distress, but that would be a fib! Later, I told the rest of the staff and there was a sort of scurying-rats-on-a-sinking-ship feeling all around. The woman who trained me burst into tears, knowing she would have to train yet another person (and fill-in on my job in the interim). It was kinda dreadful.
DB begged me to talk to the really big boss to explain that I wasn't leaving because of her incompetence. I'm thinking, "Oh my, lady, you're taking a helluva chance asking me to do that!"
I met with PNA (Pompous Napoleonic Ass) on Wednesday and laid it on the line about DB and her total lack of ability as a manager, sweet though she is. He stared at me like he had studied film clips of Dick Cheney to develop his disgruntled-employee-staredown technique. I never felt so invisible and unheard in my life. After about ten minutes I gave up and left. A lovely way to end my brief career in medicine.
Today I proudly took the oath of allegience, signed about a hundred documents, and started looking over the various files piled high on my new desk. I sniffled a little when I saw the old-fashioned government phone message pads. I shouted with glee when I discovered that I'm gonna be paid a FORTUNE (my previous federal career salary determines my new rate). And I heaved an enormous sigh of relief to learn how everything I'll be doing seems to make perfect sense.
Besides which, I now have access to extraordinary Indian crafts at low, low prices (I'm working for the federal agency that oversees Indian trust accounts and most of my co-workers are Indian people with extremely talented relatives). From now on, just call me boloboy. If you ever stumble into the office looking for me, I'll be the fat guy in the corner cubicle with the enormous honkin piece of turquoise dancing on my adam's apple and a smile of utter contentment.
Love and kisses,
Stevie
Monday, November 27, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
My father would be so proud . . . .
. . . . I'm a federal employee again! Yes, I got that job with the agency I just interviewed with last Friday. My soon-to-be boss is a no-nonsense, "do it" hands-off manager - I'm talking pure heaven here. It's a great job - working for the federal agency that administers the trust moneys and lands set aside for American Indians. No, really, it's a cool job. It's so damned cool! I'm flying. I won't be able to start for a month, so I'm not giving notice at my current (been there 50 days) job for a couple of weeks. I feel kinda bad that I'm leaving after such a short time, but it's dog-eat-dog out there. No, I don't really mean that. It's just that I had no way to assess the management style and interpersonal dynamic of the office prior to joining it, so as I have come to realize it just isn't a place where I can thrive, I thank God the federal job came trotting along. Totally serendipitous.
Just shocking to think I'll be starting another job, but I sure do have practice now! Pee in a cup? With my hands tied behind my back. Sit through a presentation on benefits? No sweat.
And so on.
I promise, this is it. No more interviews, no more choices to make. I'm stickin'.
And if I don't, sue me.
Just shocking to think I'll be starting another job, but I sure do have practice now! Pee in a cup? With my hands tied behind my back. Sit through a presentation on benefits? No sweat.
And so on.
I promise, this is it. No more interviews, no more choices to make. I'm stickin'.
And if I don't, sue me.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Oh my schnorkel
Well, the dreaded thing has happened - my sweet, charming, dynamic new boss lady turns out to be a MI-CRO-MAN-A-GER of the first order. They could use her picture on the cover of Micromanager Monthly. She's crazy, I'm tellin' ya!
Just one little example: She asked me to draft a few form letters to send to people who make it into the "moving up" column in the business section of the newspaper, you know, "Sarah Jones has been promoted to Assistant Manager of the Hallmark Card Shop at the Maplewood Mall." Set aside for a moment the futility of this idea as a way to raise funds for the children's hospital. Set aside for a moment the likelihood that a letter of this kind will result in a donation. We met for almost an hour initially so she could thoroughly explain her concept. She went through the entire column, sharing ideas and strategies for each person specific to their business (e.g., "Here's a woman who has opened a day spa. Maybe we could suggest she donate bottles of lotion to people undergoing radiation treatment or something!") I managed not to roll my eyes and went away thinking I grasped generally what she wanted. I wrote some good letters. That was two weeks ago. We are now onto the FIFTH draft of this damned thing and I swear, I've logged about 10 hours of draftin' and discussin' on this project alone!
I have since learned that, in an office of 7 people, there have been 9 departures in the 18 months this woman has been manager! People leave in one of two ways - either they quit in disgust after their first three months on the job (those are the smart ones) or they're maneuvered out the door by impossible-to-please Mommie after they reach the breaking point and start to either take charge (oooh, Mommie hates that!) or zone out (oooh, Mommie REALLY hates that!).
Tragically, she keeps trying to "solve" the problem of a tuned-out, burned-out staff by throwing micromanagment solutions at us: endless staff meetings (conducted like group therapy), endless individual meetings, daily status reports, coach-led teambuilding sessions, pep talks, and an avalanche of structure, until everyone is running around like chickens. And any actual work that is done is stymied by Mommie's persnickety changes, suggestions, revisions, questions, requirements for approvals, general interference. It's dismaying. We're completely hobbled. These are some good people here, trying to keep cheerful and productive, in the wake of a torrent of time-wasting, confidence-breaking, energy-sapping crap.
Now here's the tragic part: aside from the number of careers that have been derailed and ulcers this person has caused, millions of dollars in funds to support the children's hospital are NOT being raised because all this time and effort is being wasted on unproductive effort.
Soooooo . . . as I've been trying to adjust to things on my new job, just 45 days into it, and hoping somehow that I could fix things (now I understand it's completely futile and even self-sabotaging to try to help), I'm getting calls for more interviews, from jobs I applied for months ago. And I went on an interview yesterday.
The prospective boss lady is the complete polar opposite. Sixty-ish, sharp, confident, wearing a necklace of stainless steel pearls (!), self-described as curt and demanding, but a real "handle it" type who stressed she wants a take-charge, self-starting person who can jump in, do the job, use common sense, take on as much responsibility as they can, and not need any damned babysitting, because she's enormously busy. Pure heaven! I feel like Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors, delighted to have found the dentist/sadist of his dreams. "Candy Bar! Candy Bar!"
And I thought, "Be careful what you wish for, young man, because you just might get it."
I wished for a "nice, friendly" boss. And that's what I got. And now I realize I asked for the wrong thing.
I want a hands-off manager I can respect, who gives me tons of latitude to get the job done, someone who respects common sense, who knows what they want, who's bright and capable and tough in the ways a boss needs to be, and in the end, who appreciates my capability and rewards me accordingly, if infrequently, with a curt but honest, "Good job."
Besides which, if this job comes through, it's $20 K more a year, and I fall back into the federal lap of benefit luxury - 26 days of vacation time (because of my tenure) plus 10 federal holidays a year, almost a year of accumulated sick leave balance reinstated from my previous years in federal service, and a retirement package beyond imagining compared to the 401-K bullcrap people have to accept these days.
Now, if I don't get the job, I'm prepared to cope with the current situation. I just ordered a book from Amazon on how to deal with a micromanager.
But I sure have learned a lesson: ASK about the boss' management style during the interview. If I had, I might not have gotten the truth, but maybe there might have been some eye-rolling by the "peer interviewers" when Mommie said, "Oh, I like to give people the opportunity - and the space - to excel at what they do!!"
Just one little example: She asked me to draft a few form letters to send to people who make it into the "moving up" column in the business section of the newspaper, you know, "Sarah Jones has been promoted to Assistant Manager of the Hallmark Card Shop at the Maplewood Mall." Set aside for a moment the futility of this idea as a way to raise funds for the children's hospital. Set aside for a moment the likelihood that a letter of this kind will result in a donation. We met for almost an hour initially so she could thoroughly explain her concept. She went through the entire column, sharing ideas and strategies for each person specific to their business (e.g., "Here's a woman who has opened a day spa. Maybe we could suggest she donate bottles of lotion to people undergoing radiation treatment or something!") I managed not to roll my eyes and went away thinking I grasped generally what she wanted. I wrote some good letters. That was two weeks ago. We are now onto the FIFTH draft of this damned thing and I swear, I've logged about 10 hours of draftin' and discussin' on this project alone!
I have since learned that, in an office of 7 people, there have been 9 departures in the 18 months this woman has been manager! People leave in one of two ways - either they quit in disgust after their first three months on the job (those are the smart ones) or they're maneuvered out the door by impossible-to-please Mommie after they reach the breaking point and start to either take charge (oooh, Mommie hates that!) or zone out (oooh, Mommie REALLY hates that!).
Tragically, she keeps trying to "solve" the problem of a tuned-out, burned-out staff by throwing micromanagment solutions at us: endless staff meetings (conducted like group therapy), endless individual meetings, daily status reports, coach-led teambuilding sessions, pep talks, and an avalanche of structure, until everyone is running around like chickens. And any actual work that is done is stymied by Mommie's persnickety changes, suggestions, revisions, questions, requirements for approvals, general interference. It's dismaying. We're completely hobbled. These are some good people here, trying to keep cheerful and productive, in the wake of a torrent of time-wasting, confidence-breaking, energy-sapping crap.
Now here's the tragic part: aside from the number of careers that have been derailed and ulcers this person has caused, millions of dollars in funds to support the children's hospital are NOT being raised because all this time and effort is being wasted on unproductive effort.
Soooooo . . . as I've been trying to adjust to things on my new job, just 45 days into it, and hoping somehow that I could fix things (now I understand it's completely futile and even self-sabotaging to try to help), I'm getting calls for more interviews, from jobs I applied for months ago. And I went on an interview yesterday.
The prospective boss lady is the complete polar opposite. Sixty-ish, sharp, confident, wearing a necklace of stainless steel pearls (!), self-described as curt and demanding, but a real "handle it" type who stressed she wants a take-charge, self-starting person who can jump in, do the job, use common sense, take on as much responsibility as they can, and not need any damned babysitting, because she's enormously busy. Pure heaven! I feel like Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors, delighted to have found the dentist/sadist of his dreams. "Candy Bar! Candy Bar!"
And I thought, "Be careful what you wish for, young man, because you just might get it."
I wished for a "nice, friendly" boss. And that's what I got. And now I realize I asked for the wrong thing.
I want a hands-off manager I can respect, who gives me tons of latitude to get the job done, someone who respects common sense, who knows what they want, who's bright and capable and tough in the ways a boss needs to be, and in the end, who appreciates my capability and rewards me accordingly, if infrequently, with a curt but honest, "Good job."
Besides which, if this job comes through, it's $20 K more a year, and I fall back into the federal lap of benefit luxury - 26 days of vacation time (because of my tenure) plus 10 federal holidays a year, almost a year of accumulated sick leave balance reinstated from my previous years in federal service, and a retirement package beyond imagining compared to the 401-K bullcrap people have to accept these days.
Now, if I don't get the job, I'm prepared to cope with the current situation. I just ordered a book from Amazon on how to deal with a micromanager.
But I sure have learned a lesson: ASK about the boss' management style during the interview. If I had, I might not have gotten the truth, but maybe there might have been some eye-rolling by the "peer interviewers" when Mommie said, "Oh, I like to give people the opportunity - and the space - to excel at what they do!!"
Sunday, October 01, 2006
My first two weeks on the job
There is nothing terribly newsworthy or insightful for me to say about coming to the end of my first two weeks on the new job, except that my life is completely different, I am a completely different person now. Completely.
The scurrying little mole I had become during the job search - scampering around anxiously, searching for jobs, sending out resumes, participating in the dog and pony show of the interview process, scurrying back into the dark hole of despond to lick my wounds - gone. Buried in a shoebox along with the just-short-of-begging cover letters and the rejections and the fears and insecurities the experience brought up for me.
My new job isn't that amazing or anything, actually it's almost the definition of pedestrian, but somehow, it's just exactly what I need right now. Easy, secure, acceptably remunerative, bennies galore, done in a pleasant environment with pleasant people, 8-minute commute, convenient parking, just enough potential and creative outlet to keep me interested, and most of all, at the end of the day it gives me that feeling of contributing to the greater good which I didn't experience during all those years I was in my entrepreneurial phase.
It's quite lovely to have an 8 to 5 job. I actually have to punch the clock in and out (online, but still), and I simply cannot rack up any overtime, it's not in the budget, so I MUST take a one-hour lunch, I MUST leave at 5. I'm home at 5:10 pm. I don't have to do a damned thing for my job in the evenings or on weekends. There's no nagging feeling that I really should be working, or researching, or doing a tarot reading. A weekend feels like a looooooong break - 62 hours to spend exactly how I want to spend it. (Sleeping, mostly.)
And as I approach Monday morning there's no fluttery concern about the work I do - it's as easy as pie. Requisition this, file that, proofread this, mail that, answer this, draft that. Lovely. Mondays are especially nice, what with the weekly staff meeting, the weekly one-hour private meeting with the boss (there's lots of "communicating" and "team-building" going on), a little of this and a little of that. So pleasant. Yes, there's the ebb and flow of office politics and conflict and personality issues, and I've received my share of whispered catty remarks as my new co-workers have attempted to recruit me to their side of things, but I float above it all with a grin on my face, secure in knowing how to stay out of it, how not to let it affect me. They seem like kids to me, sweet kids for the most part, and I don't deride them, I just understand them, so it's all absolutely okay to me. I feel like I'm armed to the teeth to handle anything that may come my way. I'm skilled at every aspect of office work, not just the typing and the payrolling but the sociology, the anthropology.
In a word, I'm prepared. It all makes sense. And nothing shakes my equilibrium.
So I have the perfect platform upon which to return to focusing on my first priority: getting healthy, following my food plan, and being more active (did I mention one of the bennies is free access to the University's pool, tennis courts, racketball courts, golf course, and gym?).
And today is the day when I begin again.
I'm just so grateful.
The scurrying little mole I had become during the job search - scampering around anxiously, searching for jobs, sending out resumes, participating in the dog and pony show of the interview process, scurrying back into the dark hole of despond to lick my wounds - gone. Buried in a shoebox along with the just-short-of-begging cover letters and the rejections and the fears and insecurities the experience brought up for me.
My new job isn't that amazing or anything, actually it's almost the definition of pedestrian, but somehow, it's just exactly what I need right now. Easy, secure, acceptably remunerative, bennies galore, done in a pleasant environment with pleasant people, 8-minute commute, convenient parking, just enough potential and creative outlet to keep me interested, and most of all, at the end of the day it gives me that feeling of contributing to the greater good which I didn't experience during all those years I was in my entrepreneurial phase.
It's quite lovely to have an 8 to 5 job. I actually have to punch the clock in and out (online, but still), and I simply cannot rack up any overtime, it's not in the budget, so I MUST take a one-hour lunch, I MUST leave at 5. I'm home at 5:10 pm. I don't have to do a damned thing for my job in the evenings or on weekends. There's no nagging feeling that I really should be working, or researching, or doing a tarot reading. A weekend feels like a looooooong break - 62 hours to spend exactly how I want to spend it. (Sleeping, mostly.)
And as I approach Monday morning there's no fluttery concern about the work I do - it's as easy as pie. Requisition this, file that, proofread this, mail that, answer this, draft that. Lovely. Mondays are especially nice, what with the weekly staff meeting, the weekly one-hour private meeting with the boss (there's lots of "communicating" and "team-building" going on), a little of this and a little of that. So pleasant. Yes, there's the ebb and flow of office politics and conflict and personality issues, and I've received my share of whispered catty remarks as my new co-workers have attempted to recruit me to their side of things, but I float above it all with a grin on my face, secure in knowing how to stay out of it, how not to let it affect me. They seem like kids to me, sweet kids for the most part, and I don't deride them, I just understand them, so it's all absolutely okay to me. I feel like I'm armed to the teeth to handle anything that may come my way. I'm skilled at every aspect of office work, not just the typing and the payrolling but the sociology, the anthropology.
In a word, I'm prepared. It all makes sense. And nothing shakes my equilibrium.
So I have the perfect platform upon which to return to focusing on my first priority: getting healthy, following my food plan, and being more active (did I mention one of the bennies is free access to the University's pool, tennis courts, racketball courts, golf course, and gym?).
And today is the day when I begin again.
I'm just so grateful.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
A few stats on the job hunt
For you numbers crunchers out there:
Duration of job search: 3 months, 21 days
Positions applied for: 118
Versions of resume prepared: 5
Number of times resumes were revised: 11
Versions of cover letters prepared: 8
Actual cover letters written from scratch: 37
Percentage of applications transmitted by snail mail: 19
Percentage of applications transmitted by email: 78
Percentage of applications delivered in person: 3
Hours spent online, searching and applying for jobs: 265 +
Restless nights since the beginning of the search: 94
Pounds gained just prior to and during search: 26
Herpes outbreaks valiantly fought back with lysine: 2
Dollars spent on paper, toner, envelopes, postage, clothes, tooth whitener, eye drops, nose hair clippers, shoe polish, gasoline and other accoutrements: 380
Percentage drop in overall self-confidence and self-worth: 66.6
Invitations to interview: 11
Actual interviews: 9
Offers of employment: 3
Sense of relief to have found a great job: infinite
Duration of job search: 3 months, 21 days
Positions applied for: 118
Versions of resume prepared: 5
Number of times resumes were revised: 11
Versions of cover letters prepared: 8
Actual cover letters written from scratch: 37
Percentage of applications transmitted by snail mail: 19
Percentage of applications transmitted by email: 78
Percentage of applications delivered in person: 3
Hours spent online, searching and applying for jobs: 265 +
Restless nights since the beginning of the search: 94
Pounds gained just prior to and during search: 26
Herpes outbreaks valiantly fought back with lysine: 2
Dollars spent on paper, toner, envelopes, postage, clothes, tooth whitener, eye drops, nose hair clippers, shoe polish, gasoline and other accoutrements: 380
Percentage drop in overall self-confidence and self-worth: 66.6
Invitations to interview: 11
Actual interviews: 9
Offers of employment: 3
Sense of relief to have found a great job: infinite
Friday, September 08, 2006
Just when I thought it was over . . . . . .
NO! The mighty and powerful hand of GOD (or another high-level manager) has reached down and pointed his bony finger at me and said:
"I have plans for you, my emotionally spent and fragile son. You will receive three offers of employment in one day, the last day possible to consider these offers before you start the job you already accepted two days ago.
"The first offer will be for that job you liked so much in Santa Fe, but at a lower salary than you expected.
"The second offer will be from the language school that so unceremoniously dumped you and now regret their short-sightedness.
"But the third offer . . . the third offer! It will glow like the sun in the sky, it will shimmer like the stars at night, it will fill you like a bottomless urn of nectar, it will caress you like a Babylonian whore. And you, my son, will know that the decision is clear - although three doors have been opened and sentinels beckon you, only one door is bathed in the glowing golden light of probable satisfaction, genuine fulfillment, and all that is great and good in this world.
"So choose, damnit! Choose!"
Yes, yes, I had an interview yesterday with the Children's Hospital Development Department. They've had over 200 applicants over the last three months (holy shit). They conducted something like 40 telephone interviews (I had one last Friday). They had only one in-person interview. That was me. It lasted two hours. The entire staff was present. Here's what I learned: the job is phenomenal (helping to raise money to purchase diagnostic and treatment equipment for the leading public children's hospital in a three-state area). The pay is above-satisfactory. The people are some of the most genuinely kind and intelligent I've ever met. The bennies are so damned fine that I'll be playing catch-up with my physician, endodontist, acupuncturist, psychologist, surgeon and pharmacist for at least a year. The location is very pleasant, in a new building next to a shady park adjacent to the hospital. The opportunity for advancement is tremendous. The office decor is soothing (plum and eggplant with touches of nectarine and a plethora of art created by kids). The boss is dynamic and smart and athletic (she's an ex-basketball coach) and very very sweet.
I left the interview thinking, "Crap! Another great job that I won't get." I slept fitfully.
This morning I received calls and emails from about seven ex-supervisors, some going back to 1980, if you can stand that! Evidently, the prospective boss called each of them and asked for a candid, off-the-record appraisal of me. They all claim to have raved about me, which I find quite surreal, but it must be so, because . . . . . .
Just a half hour ago, the fickle finger of fate pointed at me and I was offered the position!
I have to go pee in a cup, get a couple of shots (because I'll be working in a hospital), and swear my allegience to helping sick kids get the best treatment possible. Think I can do that.
Woo hoo! Hooray for me!
P.S. A great big THANK YOU to all the people who wrote supportive comments to me on this blog - I couldn't have made it through without you! Sheila and Alex and Beth and Tracey and Jackie and Sybil - you're in my thoughts and in my heart. Mwah!
"I have plans for you, my emotionally spent and fragile son. You will receive three offers of employment in one day, the last day possible to consider these offers before you start the job you already accepted two days ago.
"The first offer will be for that job you liked so much in Santa Fe, but at a lower salary than you expected.
"The second offer will be from the language school that so unceremoniously dumped you and now regret their short-sightedness.
"But the third offer . . . the third offer! It will glow like the sun in the sky, it will shimmer like the stars at night, it will fill you like a bottomless urn of nectar, it will caress you like a Babylonian whore. And you, my son, will know that the decision is clear - although three doors have been opened and sentinels beckon you, only one door is bathed in the glowing golden light of probable satisfaction, genuine fulfillment, and all that is great and good in this world.
"So choose, damnit! Choose!"
Yes, yes, I had an interview yesterday with the Children's Hospital Development Department. They've had over 200 applicants over the last three months (holy shit). They conducted something like 40 telephone interviews (I had one last Friday). They had only one in-person interview. That was me. It lasted two hours. The entire staff was present. Here's what I learned: the job is phenomenal (helping to raise money to purchase diagnostic and treatment equipment for the leading public children's hospital in a three-state area). The pay is above-satisfactory. The people are some of the most genuinely kind and intelligent I've ever met. The bennies are so damned fine that I'll be playing catch-up with my physician, endodontist, acupuncturist, psychologist, surgeon and pharmacist for at least a year. The location is very pleasant, in a new building next to a shady park adjacent to the hospital. The opportunity for advancement is tremendous. The office decor is soothing (plum and eggplant with touches of nectarine and a plethora of art created by kids). The boss is dynamic and smart and athletic (she's an ex-basketball coach) and very very sweet.
I left the interview thinking, "Crap! Another great job that I won't get." I slept fitfully.
This morning I received calls and emails from about seven ex-supervisors, some going back to 1980, if you can stand that! Evidently, the prospective boss called each of them and asked for a candid, off-the-record appraisal of me. They all claim to have raved about me, which I find quite surreal, but it must be so, because . . . . . .
Just a half hour ago, the fickle finger of fate pointed at me and I was offered the position!
I have to go pee in a cup, get a couple of shots (because I'll be working in a hospital), and swear my allegience to helping sick kids get the best treatment possible. Think I can do that.
Woo hoo! Hooray for me!
P.S. A great big THANK YOU to all the people who wrote supportive comments to me on this blog - I couldn't have made it through without you! Sheila and Alex and Beth and Tracey and Jackie and Sybil - you're in my thoughts and in my heart. Mwah!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Well, that's it - I'm a paralegal again, I guess
I start on Monday as a paralegal in the District Attorney's Office. The only thing that could possibly change that is if someone from another office or agency made me a firm offer today or tomorrow. Otherwise, 8:00 a.m., coffee in hand, I'm there.
I think I understand now how abused wives get corralled into bad marriages.
Okay, I'm not saying it'll suck. Maybe it won't. The work itself is interesting (much more so than the impression I originally had of it being a glorified copy clerk). I'll be pulling together charging documents on meth lab prosecutions. Kinda fun, in a legal/governmental way. The pay is more than I was expecting, and the benefits are phenomenal. Although it means staying in Albuquerque and not doing the big move to Santa Fe, I'm pretty damned happy in my situation here - cool housemate, low expenses, supportive environment, dogs and cats. I just was thinking how fun it would be to live in Santa Fe and have the aesthetic and pleasure portion of my life racheted up a few notches. But I could do more to make life more fun for myself here in Abq. I mean, hello, pottery class, fer Gawd's sake! And there's leather night at the Manhole.
Oh well. Oh well.
"Our revels now are ended." What's that from? Shakespeare?
I spent the last ten years flying by the seat of my pants, and it was fun and scary and challenging and fulfilling and VARIED. It was radically different from my previous government career, and in many ways I got what I wanted: to find out what it's like NOT to be nestled in the secure - and stifling - world of government service. Now I willingly return to that nest, grayer and more frayed around the edges, but ready for the peace of mind that comes with security. It ain't too exciting, and it's not much of a story to tell, and yes, I'm settling.
Am I doing the right thing? I honestly don't know.
There is a huge irony in this, though: my successful vacation rental business, the business I devoted five years of my government "break" to growing, the business that was going to bring me all the things I thought a government job couldn't bring me - excitement, creativity and riches - collapsed because my beloved business partner got addicted to meth and destroyed it all, including himself. Now I'll be helping to put meth manufacturers in jail.
Strange world.
I think I understand now how abused wives get corralled into bad marriages.
Okay, I'm not saying it'll suck. Maybe it won't. The work itself is interesting (much more so than the impression I originally had of it being a glorified copy clerk). I'll be pulling together charging documents on meth lab prosecutions. Kinda fun, in a legal/governmental way. The pay is more than I was expecting, and the benefits are phenomenal. Although it means staying in Albuquerque and not doing the big move to Santa Fe, I'm pretty damned happy in my situation here - cool housemate, low expenses, supportive environment, dogs and cats. I just was thinking how fun it would be to live in Santa Fe and have the aesthetic and pleasure portion of my life racheted up a few notches. But I could do more to make life more fun for myself here in Abq. I mean, hello, pottery class, fer Gawd's sake! And there's leather night at the Manhole.
Oh well. Oh well.
"Our revels now are ended." What's that from? Shakespeare?
I spent the last ten years flying by the seat of my pants, and it was fun and scary and challenging and fulfilling and VARIED. It was radically different from my previous government career, and in many ways I got what I wanted: to find out what it's like NOT to be nestled in the secure - and stifling - world of government service. Now I willingly return to that nest, grayer and more frayed around the edges, but ready for the peace of mind that comes with security. It ain't too exciting, and it's not much of a story to tell, and yes, I'm settling.
Am I doing the right thing? I honestly don't know.
There is a huge irony in this, though: my successful vacation rental business, the business I devoted five years of my government "break" to growing, the business that was going to bring me all the things I thought a government job couldn't bring me - excitement, creativity and riches - collapsed because my beloved business partner got addicted to meth and destroyed it all, including himself. Now I'll be helping to put meth manufacturers in jail.
Strange world.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Firm offer of employment - #1 (hopefully there will be more)
I got my first firm offer today - - - remember this interview? More than two months ago, I met with these people. One of the interviewers was so hostile that I figured there wasn't a chance in hell it would work out. I've seen cross-examination scenes on hit TV shows where the witness received more courteous treatment. But I suppose it was actually just good old-fashioned passive-aggressive attorney intellectual conceit (the sting of the question is ever so much more important than the answer because it shows how brilliant the questioner is), also known in lawyer circles as "strong interviewing technique." The fact that I was able to withstand bursting into tears until after I was out of the building is testament to my strength of character/fear of public embarrassment.
Anyway, I predicted that if I were offered the position, I'd die of an embolism after squatting in front of a copier for two minutes trying to clear a jam.
They want me to start ASAP (like, in a couple of weeks). Can I string them along while I hope for another offer? Should I turn it down flat? Or should I just take the damned job and be done with this agony?
Ironically, I interviewed for a GREAT government job this morning, in Santa Fe, for more money, and in a much more laid back atmosphere. The interviewer, a great Erin Brockovich type, said they would make a decision by Friday. She's the one who said my resume was fascinating (no, I didn't list my stint as a Lullabiologist). I also looked at an apartment in Santa Fe that is being offered to me by one of my ex-language instructor underlings, and it's just fantastic, prime location (I could walk the half mile to work in the park along the river between work and home) and it's being offered to me at half the going rent. This is what I really want. Santa Fe. Healthful living. My own apartment (small, but my own). A good job that's not a stressful nightmare.
Should I call Erin B. and say, "The position with your department is definitely my first choice, but I just received a serious offer here in Albuquerque and I need to give them my answer by Friday." Oh I can't do this sort of thing. In the circus of life, I'm just not a juggler.
What to do, what to do.
Advice? Ideas? Give it to me, ladies.
Anyway, I predicted that if I were offered the position, I'd die of an embolism after squatting in front of a copier for two minutes trying to clear a jam.
They want me to start ASAP (like, in a couple of weeks). Can I string them along while I hope for another offer? Should I turn it down flat? Or should I just take the damned job and be done with this agony?
Ironically, I interviewed for a GREAT government job this morning, in Santa Fe, for more money, and in a much more laid back atmosphere. The interviewer, a great Erin Brockovich type, said they would make a decision by Friday. She's the one who said my resume was fascinating (no, I didn't list my stint as a Lullabiologist). I also looked at an apartment in Santa Fe that is being offered to me by one of my ex-language instructor underlings, and it's just fantastic, prime location (I could walk the half mile to work in the park along the river between work and home) and it's being offered to me at half the going rent. This is what I really want. Santa Fe. Healthful living. My own apartment (small, but my own). A good job that's not a stressful nightmare.
Should I call Erin B. and say, "The position with your department is definitely my first choice, but I just received a serious offer here in Albuquerque and I need to give them my answer by Friday." Oh I can't do this sort of thing. In the circus of life, I'm just not a juggler.
What to do, what to do.
Advice? Ideas? Give it to me, ladies.
Friday, September 01, 2006
My last day as an English instructor and supervisor
So ends another career for Stevie-poo. Sigh.
I was thinking I'd list all the job titles I've had in my life. Here goes, starting with me at 14.
Lawn Mower Boy
Theater Geek (set builder, sound and light tech, and later set and lighting designer)
Music Director (that's what it said on the program - I composed a song or two for some local productions)
Treasurer/Vice-President of an arts association (I was 16 and thought I was hot shit to be elected by all these adults - didn't realize they thought it was quaint someone actually wanted to do it)
Bicentennial project chairman (see above)
Flunkie in a doctor's office. My first real job. I was in charge of getting the doctor's car washed, wiping down all surfaces with isopropyl alcohol and sharpening the 12 pencils in each of six examining rooms - daily - I kid you not. I also typed forms all day on an IBM Selectric: "Clear, cooperative, ambulant, cheerful, not in apparent distress." This applied to everyone. Then I added: "Inquinal Hernia the size of a grapefruit" (if the doctor was hungry) or "Inguinal Hernia the size of a softball" (if he wasn't).
Telephone answering service operator (a la "Bells are Ringing;" my first job to become obsolete)
Paint store clerk (yes, like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, but I didn't wear mylar shirts)
Cook at the Shrimp Pot (we called it the Shit Pit)
Clerk-Typist (thus begins my federal career)
Secretary
Courtroom graphics maker
Paralegal Specialist
Programs Manager
Advisory Board Member
Board of Directors Member
Grant Writer
Special Events Coordinator
Victim-Witness Assistant
Executive Assistant (oh, the dreaded EA - Sheila can relate - and so ends my federal career)
Psychic Reader (done while floating in a pool in Palm Springs - ahh, the perfect job)
Music Therapist (get this - I called myself a Lullabiologist - I sang tones to sick people - no, really - just sat there in front of them and went, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" - I have quite the basso profundo type voice - I even was on the alternative radio station every Sunday afternoon doing it by request: "Um, Mr. Steve, could you sing to my kidney?" "Of course, dear!" Maybe I need to lump all these Palm Springs jobs under "Flim Flammologist")
National Anthem Singer (to try to drum up business as a Lullabiologist, but the minor league baseball set in Palm Springs was not really my primary market)
Superclerk (the next self-employment gambit)
Strident, in your face, Act-Up militant Queer (briefly)
Landlord (I stank at this - much too lenient)
Vacation property developer
Interior designer
Bossman (I stank at this - much too lenient)
Business partner (I stank at this - blinded by besotted unrequited love, I didn't see my business partner's meth addiction rising up to destroy five years of exhausting labor to build a somewhat successful company)
Free-loader (I hid in the basement of a rich friend for nine months while I looked for work)
Association manager
Website developer
Proofreader and editor
and now Language Instructor, Service Rep and Supervisor
Oh - and back to Psychic Reader/Job Seeker/Binge Eater (today only)
That's it.
Who else wants to list their occupations? Come on, I did - go for it!
I was thinking I'd list all the job titles I've had in my life. Here goes, starting with me at 14.
Lawn Mower Boy
Theater Geek (set builder, sound and light tech, and later set and lighting designer)
Music Director (that's what it said on the program - I composed a song or two for some local productions)
Treasurer/Vice-President of an arts association (I was 16 and thought I was hot shit to be elected by all these adults - didn't realize they thought it was quaint someone actually wanted to do it)
Bicentennial project chairman (see above)
Flunkie in a doctor's office. My first real job. I was in charge of getting the doctor's car washed, wiping down all surfaces with isopropyl alcohol and sharpening the 12 pencils in each of six examining rooms - daily - I kid you not. I also typed forms all day on an IBM Selectric: "Clear, cooperative, ambulant, cheerful, not in apparent distress." This applied to everyone. Then I added: "Inquinal Hernia the size of a grapefruit" (if the doctor was hungry) or "Inguinal Hernia the size of a softball" (if he wasn't).
Telephone answering service operator (a la "Bells are Ringing;" my first job to become obsolete)
Paint store clerk (yes, like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, but I didn't wear mylar shirts)
Cook at the Shrimp Pot (we called it the Shit Pit)
Clerk-Typist (thus begins my federal career)
Secretary
Courtroom graphics maker
Paralegal Specialist
Programs Manager
Advisory Board Member
Board of Directors Member
Grant Writer
Special Events Coordinator
Victim-Witness Assistant
Executive Assistant (oh, the dreaded EA - Sheila can relate - and so ends my federal career)
Psychic Reader (done while floating in a pool in Palm Springs - ahh, the perfect job)
Music Therapist (get this - I called myself a Lullabiologist - I sang tones to sick people - no, really - just sat there in front of them and went, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" - I have quite the basso profundo type voice - I even was on the alternative radio station every Sunday afternoon doing it by request: "Um, Mr. Steve, could you sing to my kidney?" "Of course, dear!" Maybe I need to lump all these Palm Springs jobs under "Flim Flammologist")
National Anthem Singer (to try to drum up business as a Lullabiologist, but the minor league baseball set in Palm Springs was not really my primary market)
Superclerk (the next self-employment gambit)
Strident, in your face, Act-Up militant Queer (briefly)
Landlord (I stank at this - much too lenient)
Vacation property developer
Interior designer
Bossman (I stank at this - much too lenient)
Business partner (I stank at this - blinded by besotted unrequited love, I didn't see my business partner's meth addiction rising up to destroy five years of exhausting labor to build a somewhat successful company)
Free-loader (I hid in the basement of a rich friend for nine months while I looked for work)
Association manager
Website developer
Proofreader and editor
and now Language Instructor, Service Rep and Supervisor
Oh - and back to Psychic Reader/Job Seeker/Binge Eater (today only)
That's it.
Who else wants to list their occupations? Come on, I did - go for it!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Back on the roller coaster
There's been a flurry of interest in me suddenly from various government agencies in Santa Fe - two interviews lined up for next week. I'll put on my suit, plaster a smile on my face, and spend twenty bucks per interview on various breath neutralizers and skin softeners and teeth whiteners and eye drops and shoe polishes and overstarched dress shirts and 25% cotton rag resume paper and gasoline and parking, all so that some preselected candidate for the job can be said to have competed with me and the other benighted dolts who think we have a chance.
Whatever.
I also had a great interview yesterday for a university job with oodles of bennies, including paid winter break and free tuition. The person interviewing me was a kindred spirit, a professional seen-it-all done-it-all administrative type who totally "got" me. We liked each other immediately. She said I would fit in perfectly with the university culture and declared, "You rock!" at the conclusion of the interview.
Probably won't get it.
I heard from the national corporate sales director for the language school empire I work for, that is, until the end of the week. He said that it was a total joke that they didn't snap me up and hustle me off to Princeton, NJ, to run some big-ass component of the company. He said that my background, not to mention my recent experience here, would've been invaluable, and that he planned to kick the ass of the people who didn't jump at the chance to keep me.
Whatever.
I've been told that the Santa Fe museum I was very interested in working for had to give the position I wanted to someone "recommended" by the governor's office. They say those sorts of appointments usually don't work and that the position will probably be vacant again in a couple of months.
As if.
Maybe you just have to be pounded into submission by the process of looking for work before you exude the whatever vibe that says to prospective employers, "I have no expectations that I'll get this job, none at all, so don't worry about disappointing me, just make your damned decision and get on with it. I accept it. I don't agree or disagree with your decision, I don't think you and the available position are wonderful or horrible. I'm just a nameless, faceless rider on this roller coaster, and eventually I'll either puke, be thrown to the ground, or ride it out to the end and be standing, slightly disoriented, on the exit platform. No worries, dude. Just point me to the pretzel cart."
Whatever.
I also had a great interview yesterday for a university job with oodles of bennies, including paid winter break and free tuition. The person interviewing me was a kindred spirit, a professional seen-it-all done-it-all administrative type who totally "got" me. We liked each other immediately. She said I would fit in perfectly with the university culture and declared, "You rock!" at the conclusion of the interview.
Probably won't get it.
I heard from the national corporate sales director for the language school empire I work for, that is, until the end of the week. He said that it was a total joke that they didn't snap me up and hustle me off to Princeton, NJ, to run some big-ass component of the company. He said that my background, not to mention my recent experience here, would've been invaluable, and that he planned to kick the ass of the people who didn't jump at the chance to keep me.
Whatever.
I've been told that the Santa Fe museum I was very interested in working for had to give the position I wanted to someone "recommended" by the governor's office. They say those sorts of appointments usually don't work and that the position will probably be vacant again in a couple of months.
As if.
Maybe you just have to be pounded into submission by the process of looking for work before you exude the whatever vibe that says to prospective employers, "I have no expectations that I'll get this job, none at all, so don't worry about disappointing me, just make your damned decision and get on with it. I accept it. I don't agree or disagree with your decision, I don't think you and the available position are wonderful or horrible. I'm just a nameless, faceless rider on this roller coaster, and eventually I'll either puke, be thrown to the ground, or ride it out to the end and be standing, slightly disoriented, on the exit platform. No worries, dude. Just point me to the pretzel cart."
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Where the hell's my turban?
Four more days of teaching English, then it's reading tarot full time. Jesus.
I've gotten a jump start on my fabulous new career by doing a few hours of reading every evening, just to get in the swing of it. The good news is it pays well - about twice what I've been making. The bad news is, I get all these people who ask me impossible-to-answer questions like, "When is he going to call me?" I'm always tempted to say, "Thursday at 7:14 pm." But what I usually say is something along the lines of, "Time is a human conceit and the universe does not obey strict time and space grids placed by man upon existence." How's that, Carl Sagan? Another good one is, "I cannot say, because the thoughts and feelings and experiences the two of you have between now and then may change the outcome, not to mention the impact of the thoughts and feelings and experiences of everyone else on the planet." I supose that's better than, "How the hell should I know, lady? Who do you think I am, Jennifer Love Hewitt? If I knew detaily crap like that I wouldn't be wasting my time sending out a hundred resumes and cover letters for jobs that have already been pre-selected, now would I? I'd just lift up the phone and tell my soon-to-be employer that I'll be able to start on Monday and require a kick-ass 401-K."
Actually, I'm a hoot during a tarot reading. Chatty, uplifting and insightful as hell. Need to know what numbers to play in next week's Lotto? I'll tell ya. (11-19-31-43-52-60. These are the numbers to play, they may not be the winning numbers, but . . . ) Need to hear soothing words from the grandma who died last year? No prob. (She sends her love, she's smiling, there's a little tear in her eye, and she says everything is really nice where she is now - lots of flowers.) Wanna know what the future holds? Easy - there's gonna be a few bumps and bruises along the way, but eventually the sun is shining for you, little darlin. Keep your chins up, sweetie. It's all gonna be all right - your luck is changing and the angels are smiling down on you. You are a special special person, the Universe recognizes that, and there's every reason to be optimistic about the future.
Well, I'm right, aren't I?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Bummer Trails
What a day I had yesterday.
First I get a phone call from the head of my company saying that I was doing a helluva job for them, but the two management trainee positions in Manhattan and Beverly Hills, which they had told me were "pretty sure" going to be offered to me, instead have been put on hold until Mid-March. He then said that the position I hold here in Albuquerque is dissolved effective September 5th. He would, of course, keep me in mind for the Manhattan and Bev Hills positions when they reopen in March, because I was a helluva piece of manpower, etc.
Then I got home and found a thin envelope from the museum. Seems the director is "truly sorry" and that I was almost selected for the position, my experience certainly was impressive, and everybody liked me, but . . . .
I saw the weather report yesterday morning but I didn't see anything about a shit storm.
I watched Good Night and Good Luck with my housemate last night but honestly, I don't remember a thing - just kept thinking self-pitying thoughts and taking mental inventory of the refrigerator, pantry and kitchen cabinets. Since I figured I wouldn't be sleeping much, I got onto the psychic hotline and did about four hours of tarot readings. The ironic thing is that I'll make twice as much money doing readings over the phone as I woud if I were a management trainee or a museum development associate. Go figure.
So now the plan is to go back into hibernation, drop another 100 pounds, exercise a helluva lot, read tarot while on the Gazelle, go for walks along the river with the dogs, cook lovely little low-cal meals, read uplifting books, and lick my wounds.
Damn.
First I get a phone call from the head of my company saying that I was doing a helluva job for them, but the two management trainee positions in Manhattan and Beverly Hills, which they had told me were "pretty sure" going to be offered to me, instead have been put on hold until Mid-March. He then said that the position I hold here in Albuquerque is dissolved effective September 5th. He would, of course, keep me in mind for the Manhattan and Bev Hills positions when they reopen in March, because I was a helluva piece of manpower, etc.
Then I got home and found a thin envelope from the museum. Seems the director is "truly sorry" and that I was almost selected for the position, my experience certainly was impressive, and everybody liked me, but . . . .
I saw the weather report yesterday morning but I didn't see anything about a shit storm.
I watched Good Night and Good Luck with my housemate last night but honestly, I don't remember a thing - just kept thinking self-pitying thoughts and taking mental inventory of the refrigerator, pantry and kitchen cabinets. Since I figured I wouldn't be sleeping much, I got onto the psychic hotline and did about four hours of tarot readings. The ironic thing is that I'll make twice as much money doing readings over the phone as I woud if I were a management trainee or a museum development associate. Go figure.
So now the plan is to go back into hibernation, drop another 100 pounds, exercise a helluva lot, read tarot while on the Gazelle, go for walks along the river with the dogs, cook lovely little low-cal meals, read uplifting books, and lick my wounds.
Damn.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Good news about the museum job
Well, I'm just delighted to learn that I have a call-back interview for the museum job in Santa Fe! When it rains, it pours, etc.
So I spent last night making various lists, charts, and statements comparing and contrasting the New York/Bev Hills Language career (see post below) with the Santa Fe Museum career. This, of course, was in lieu of sleeping. And although there are innumerable ways to look at it, it all boils down to EXCITEMENT and ADVENTURE versus PEACE and TRANQUILITY.
I cannot set aside the scintillating possibility of meeting Sheila and Alexandra and Beth and Tracey and Mitchell and Chrisanne and Jackie and others the thought of which, admittedly, has a WOW factor of 10. I cannot set aside the tendency I have to turn these career and location decisions into, "What would my friends think of this choice/how good a story would this make?" I cannot set aside that, as a single, not-so-very-old-yet, chubby/healthy, relatively ambulant, childless and mortgageless American, I have the freedom (and the tacit duty) to pursue Excitement and Adventure for the sheer fun of it.
But if I REALLY REALLY REALLY look at which choice is most conducive to my health and happiness, which choice supports the efforts I've made in the last year or so to change my core beliefs, I have to say that Santa Fe is the right one. If I were a species of crustacean and an aquarium curator had to choose which display to put me in, she would choose the sunshine-filled, peaceful, tranquil tank with the pueblo-style diarama. The potential to thrive in that environment is simply greater. Besides, the curator can put me in the Dance Fever disco-ball tank for a week or two each year so I can experience a dose of excitement and adventure.
I suppose we'll see . . . . . .
So I spent last night making various lists, charts, and statements comparing and contrasting the New York/Bev Hills Language career (see post below) with the Santa Fe Museum career. This, of course, was in lieu of sleeping. And although there are innumerable ways to look at it, it all boils down to EXCITEMENT and ADVENTURE versus PEACE and TRANQUILITY.
I cannot set aside the scintillating possibility of meeting Sheila and Alexandra and Beth and Tracey and Mitchell and Chrisanne and Jackie and others the thought of which, admittedly, has a WOW factor of 10. I cannot set aside the tendency I have to turn these career and location decisions into, "What would my friends think of this choice/how good a story would this make?" I cannot set aside that, as a single, not-so-very-old-yet, chubby/healthy, relatively ambulant, childless and mortgageless American, I have the freedom (and the tacit duty) to pursue Excitement and Adventure for the sheer fun of it.
But if I REALLY REALLY REALLY look at which choice is most conducive to my health and happiness, which choice supports the efforts I've made in the last year or so to change my core beliefs, I have to say that Santa Fe is the right one. If I were a species of crustacean and an aquarium curator had to choose which display to put me in, she would choose the sunshine-filled, peaceful, tranquil tank with the pueblo-style diarama. The potential to thrive in that environment is simply greater. Besides, the curator can put me in the Dance Fever disco-ball tank for a week or two each year so I can experience a dose of excitement and adventure.
I suppose we'll see . . . . . .
Friday, August 11, 2006
Scary delicious news!
Drumroll please . . . . . .
The language company has said that
THEY WANT ME
- sorta for sure -
for the management trainee position
(woo hoo!)
and I will
MOST PROBABLY
be sent to either
Beverly Hills or New York
for my six-month training!
I will know for certain in two weeks.
Or three.
Can you dig it, blogpals?
I'm either going to:
O'Malley Valley
--- or ---
Billings Hills!
Talk about HIGH ALERT!
I can feel the synapses clickety-clacking in my brain
and my heart's a-pounding!!
Okay, that's it for now.
Ready or not, ladies, here comes Stevie!
(maybe)
Monday, August 07, 2006
Worry Wart
I'm a worrier.
My Grandma, who lived next door to me from the time I was eight, was this upbeat, hilarious woman with a piercing voice, a razor-quick mind, and not a mean bone in her body. She sang at the drop of a hat, funny tongue-twisting big band ditties from the 30's with crazy lyrics guaranteed to make you laugh. She cooked like a fine chef, kept an immaculate house, ironed my Grandpa's briefs, for Gawd's sake, and watched an inordinate amount of Mike Douglas and Merv Griffin, but no soaps. She was constantly entertaining, and I don't mean she was always throwing parties, although when she did there was nobody who could make a stranger feel more at home - loved, even - but I mean that she had something bright and funny and interesting to say about everything, and kept the chatter going from the moment you walked in the door to the moment you left. She was entertaining, like Selma Diamond on Merv, or like Moms Mabley on Mike Douglas. She had stories - - - ahhh, did she ever have stories! Great big hilarious stories about growing up in New Yawk and the roaring 20's and the boarding houses she ran and the time Gertrude Stein spoke at her Ladies of Haddasah meeting.
And she was a worrier.
First and foremost, she worried about my mother - about her weight problem, about her unhappiness (clinical depression is what we'd label it nowadays). She worried about Nixon. She worried about my cousins Katy, Carol and Patty - there was always one of them in the throes of some sort of crisis that Grandma could gnaw on. And there was me to worry about, of couse. "Poor Steve." So smart, so talented, and so fat. So effeminate. So destined for some sort of humongous unspecified disaster.
It was like the worrying was the default position. Channel One. She could be completely distracted by telling me some big story about the diving horse at Coney Island, and I had a knack for prodding her for more details, more stories, but in the end her brain jumped back to fretting. It never seemed to get her anywhere. I saw that. I saw how the worrying never lead to some sort of conclusion or resolution. It just existed, a way to fill the time.
Of course, I was a worrier way before I lived next door to Grandma. My mother's sometimes erratic and withdrawn behavior had me in a constant state of anxiety - "Why doesn't she love me? What did I do? What can I do to change this?" I was also worried about my limp wrists and my high-pitched giggle and my fat face and my next piano recital and a foreboding sense that I could never be the normal kid everybody expected me to be.
But once Grandma appeared as a worrying kindred spirit, things really took off. Whatever incipient proclivity I had for worrying was well entrenched after ten years of hashing it out with Grandma. We worried about everything. We talked, debated, analyzed, assessed, predicted, and proposed solutions for a million and one issues, yet they never went anywhere. They were about things that were out of our hands. Katy's boyishness. Carolyn's crossed eyes. Patty's freckles. Cookie's weight.
I think we both used worrying about others to avoid getting down to business and doing for ourselves. It was like I was in co-dependent grad school, going after my doctorate in fretting.
I operate under the false delusion that spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about something will lead to a revelation or a resolution, that suddenly a light will go on and the worrying will pay off because it produced a brilliant idea that solves everything. So I take whatever's uppermost in my mind and chew on it. Sometimes the plate's so damned full that I have a hard time choosing the worry of the day.
Right now, of course, I'm worrying about my job, about the future. About the Middle East.
The thing is, I do the footwork. Man, do I ever, as far as the job search is concerned. I send out two or three applications every day. The resume is honed to perfection. There are six basic cover letters allowing for infinite customization. I've trimmed the nose hairs and fought back an incipient cold sore with copious amounts of Lysine. Honey, I'm ready for anything.
So why not stop worrying? Why do I love it so much? What is it about worry that (apparently) gives me comfort while giving me angst? Is it just because it's familiar, as habit-based as a dog chewing on an old slipper? Am I using uncertainty to distract me? Or is it just the conceit of the brain run amock? Why not drop it, you know?
I do the footwork in my life. But I also do the fretwork. I think it's time to let go of it.
My Grandma, who lived next door to me from the time I was eight, was this upbeat, hilarious woman with a piercing voice, a razor-quick mind, and not a mean bone in her body. She sang at the drop of a hat, funny tongue-twisting big band ditties from the 30's with crazy lyrics guaranteed to make you laugh. She cooked like a fine chef, kept an immaculate house, ironed my Grandpa's briefs, for Gawd's sake, and watched an inordinate amount of Mike Douglas and Merv Griffin, but no soaps. She was constantly entertaining, and I don't mean she was always throwing parties, although when she did there was nobody who could make a stranger feel more at home - loved, even - but I mean that she had something bright and funny and interesting to say about everything, and kept the chatter going from the moment you walked in the door to the moment you left. She was entertaining, like Selma Diamond on Merv, or like Moms Mabley on Mike Douglas. She had stories - - - ahhh, did she ever have stories! Great big hilarious stories about growing up in New Yawk and the roaring 20's and the boarding houses she ran and the time Gertrude Stein spoke at her Ladies of Haddasah meeting.
And she was a worrier.
First and foremost, she worried about my mother - about her weight problem, about her unhappiness (clinical depression is what we'd label it nowadays). She worried about Nixon. She worried about my cousins Katy, Carol and Patty - there was always one of them in the throes of some sort of crisis that Grandma could gnaw on. And there was me to worry about, of couse. "Poor Steve." So smart, so talented, and so fat. So effeminate. So destined for some sort of humongous unspecified disaster.
It was like the worrying was the default position. Channel One. She could be completely distracted by telling me some big story about the diving horse at Coney Island, and I had a knack for prodding her for more details, more stories, but in the end her brain jumped back to fretting. It never seemed to get her anywhere. I saw that. I saw how the worrying never lead to some sort of conclusion or resolution. It just existed, a way to fill the time.
Of course, I was a worrier way before I lived next door to Grandma. My mother's sometimes erratic and withdrawn behavior had me in a constant state of anxiety - "Why doesn't she love me? What did I do? What can I do to change this?" I was also worried about my limp wrists and my high-pitched giggle and my fat face and my next piano recital and a foreboding sense that I could never be the normal kid everybody expected me to be.
But once Grandma appeared as a worrying kindred spirit, things really took off. Whatever incipient proclivity I had for worrying was well entrenched after ten years of hashing it out with Grandma. We worried about everything. We talked, debated, analyzed, assessed, predicted, and proposed solutions for a million and one issues, yet they never went anywhere. They were about things that were out of our hands. Katy's boyishness. Carolyn's crossed eyes. Patty's freckles. Cookie's weight.
I think we both used worrying about others to avoid getting down to business and doing for ourselves. It was like I was in co-dependent grad school, going after my doctorate in fretting.
I operate under the false delusion that spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about something will lead to a revelation or a resolution, that suddenly a light will go on and the worrying will pay off because it produced a brilliant idea that solves everything. So I take whatever's uppermost in my mind and chew on it. Sometimes the plate's so damned full that I have a hard time choosing the worry of the day.
Right now, of course, I'm worrying about my job, about the future. About the Middle East.
The thing is, I do the footwork. Man, do I ever, as far as the job search is concerned. I send out two or three applications every day. The resume is honed to perfection. There are six basic cover letters allowing for infinite customization. I've trimmed the nose hairs and fought back an incipient cold sore with copious amounts of Lysine. Honey, I'm ready for anything.
So why not stop worrying? Why do I love it so much? What is it about worry that (apparently) gives me comfort while giving me angst? Is it just because it's familiar, as habit-based as a dog chewing on an old slipper? Am I using uncertainty to distract me? Or is it just the conceit of the brain run amock? Why not drop it, you know?
I do the footwork in my life. But I also do the fretwork. I think it's time to let go of it.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Living in Santa Fe?
I'm interviewing for a great job in a wonderful museum in Santa Fe next week!
I applied about a month ago and figured the position was filled by now, but the director of this museum sent me a charming hand-written letter last week apologizing for the delay in contacting me, explaining they were all so busy preparing for the huge, world-famous public event they sponsor every year in the Plaza. I immediately send a hand-written note thanking him for his refreshing courtesy, the high point so far in what has been a demoralizing and depressing job hunt.
When I mentioned the possibility of working in Santa Fe to a friend of mine, one of the people I supervise teaching English, he told me that he owns a quaint little adobe five-plex in a prime area just a short walk to the plaza in downtown Santa Fe, and that he would be delighted to rent to me - at a bargain rate! - whenever an apartment becomes available. Like me, my friend is an English instructor by default, having burned out on a great big guv'mt career, but unlike me, he picked up and retained some prime real estate along the way. He told me the location, and it's fabulous, along a road that runs by a river park, all shady and babbling brookish. And only a half-mile to the Plaza!
Now, folks, talk about having a gorgeous hand-painted Acoma pot dropped in your lap!
This is a scenario I can live with: a delightfully spare but sweet little adobe apartment on the river park, a brisk half-mile walk to the plaza each morning along the river, a cafe americano and a biscotti in a charming plaza hole-in-the-wall while I peruse the paper, a short scenic ride to Museum Hill (three miles away) on the open-air tourist shuttle, a productive day helping with member development for an important cultural organization where I would work with all sorts of artsy and creative people, and at the end of the day, the reverse (substituting a decaf iced tea for the cafe americano). Weekends could be devoted to practicing intricate pottery painting in the tradition of the indigenous peoples of the area, at which I expect to become brilliant, or for that matter, donning a turban and doing tarot readings in the plaza for gullible tourists. Ahhhhh. This is nice, eh? I can smell the roasting peppers now . . . .
Funny, but when I imagine this scenario I look just like Ann Sothern in A Letter to Three Wives - peppy and vivacious in a navy cashmere fitted jacket over a tailored grey wool skirt, wide patent leather belt and white blouse, a pair of kicky pumps and sparkling white gloves, my curls bouncing with every jaunty step.
"Good morning, Manuelita!" I cry as I enter the colorful plaza cafe.
"Buenos Dias, Senorita!" says Manuelita, obviously pleased to see me. "I make fresh sopapillas today, chiquita, just the way you like!"
"Oh, Manuelita, you darling angel, but my tiny waist won't hear of it!" And a shimmering cascade of laughter fills the air, like iridescent bubbles bouncing along to a steel band polka.
A distinguished man in shades, dressed in creamy linen slacks and a comically touristy embroidered hermanito shirt, sits alone at a tiny table, an exhorbitantly expensive camera around his neck, and a straw Panama hat on a wall peg nearby. He looks astonishingly like Cary Grant, because, well, he's being played by Cary Grant.
The man fleetingly sees just a glimpse of well-toned calf [close-up of well-toned calf] as I turn from Manuelita's tile-covered counter with drink in hand and comically slip on a coffee spill. The handsome stranger deftly jumps up and gracefully catches me around my tiny waist, then effortlessly sets me right (I'm such a petite thing) but in the tussle I've drenched the front of his shirt with my cafe americano.
"Oh dear!" I cry, "Look what I've done!"
"Don't worry about a thing, Miss," he says, finally releasing his grip around my tiny, tiny waist (did I mention it was tiny?) and removing his shades to reveal piercing blue eyes. "I don't mind a bit. This touristy get-up is all wrong for me, anyway. Permit me to introduce myself - I'm Buck Wheaton, roving reporter just blown in from the windy city."
"How do you do, Mr. Wheaton!" I say as I put my demure little white-gloved hand in his big manly paw. We shake hands vigorously and stare into each other's eyes just a little too long.
"My name is Jacqueline Brisk. Miss . . . Jacqueline Brisk, Curator of the Pancho Villa Museum of Art."
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Brisk, a real pleasure! Say, I was wondering if you might be able to recommend a guide, you know, someone who could show me the sights around here, someone who knows all about art, someone . . . refreshingly charming . . . I mean, oh, I don't know, someone . . . [deep blush showing through his tan cheeks] . . . a little like . . . like yourself?"
My nipples harden.
"Well, no one knows Santa Fe better than Manuelita here, Mr. Wheaton!"
"Oh, Chiquita!" Manuelita says, giggling and holding her colorful apron in front of her face. "I couldn't leave my sopapillas - they are in the kiva right now!"
"I'm afraid you're out of luck, Mr. Wheaton . . . . unless . . . . "
"Yes?" says the dashing stranger. Towering a foot taller than me, he looks down as I look up, the angle so flattering to my chinline. He smiles, revealing a dazzling set of choppers, his jaw quivvering with manly strength, his chin dimple provocatively deep and dark.
"I suppose I . . . ." Why is my heart beating so? "Well, what I mean to say is . . . . "
Sensing my hesitation, Buck quickly hatches a plan.
"If you wouldn't mind accompanying me to my hotel across the plaza, Miss Brisk, so that I may change into some dry clothes? It would take just a second, and there's a rare hand-carved bunterero in the window of a dusty little tourist shop in the lobby that I'd like your opinion about. You see, I'm conducting an investigation into counterfeit goods, and . . . "
"As it happens, Mr. Wheaton, I'm somewhat of an authority on buntereros!" We laugh, just a little too heartily and too long, then stroll smartly together through the dappled shade of the plaza.
The music swells.
Cut.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Job Search Update
Hey, everybody! I've got an interview at this leather book binding co-op in Santa Fe, turning out things like this:
Actually, I'll be in charge of burning pentagrams onto leather bookmarks to start. Following an extensive apprentice program, I will graduate to intermediate gothic weavery.
I suppose it's unlikely I'll get the job; according to the job ad, they're looking for someone more hirsute and possibly cloven hooved.
Anyway, it's official: I got the gig reading tarot cards over the phone, so I can limp along financially until I get a "real" job. That's good, because it's starting to feel like the language center is gonna close down by September 1st, at which point I'm out on my multilingual ass.
As far as real jobs are concerned, I've got a call-back interview later this week for the language center management trainee position, the one where they'd send me to an exhorbitantly expensive city for six months, then transfer me to Cumquat, Kentucky. Fingers crossed.
Fed jobs? Nada. What's wrong with those people? I tell them I'm willing to single-handedly mop up the administrative mess FEMA caused in the wake of Katrina, live in Mont-fawkin-gomery, Alabama, fer Gawd's sake, and they don't even send me a postcard saying screw you?
State jobs? Two interviews, both for positions involving lots of copying - didn't get either one.
Guess they're saving me for the custodial job in the nuclear experiments lab.
I had a nice turndown from the Georgia O'Keeffe museum - they sent me a no-thanks vagina that looked an awful lot like a lily.
Reading tarot for lonely ladies is starting to sound like a good career move, but I tend to be a touch nihilistic - "No, ma'am, according to this seven of wands, he's not gonna leave his wife for you, but the spirits and guides are telling me that the bitch has impetigo - yes, just like Michael Jackson! Oh, and you're pregnant. Or is it your goldfish? Not sure. Wait a minute . . . it IS you, according to this card. See, the five of disks mean five months pregnant, and everyone knows goldfish don't gestate that long. Looks like a Christmas baby for you! Definitely! No, the tubal ligation didn't take. Happens all the time. Yeah. So anyway, in about six weeks you're gonna have a BIG surprise! Yes you are! Really! The guides are telling me I can't tell you what it is, but when you get it, BOY, will you think, "Gawd, that's what my psychic friend predicted!" Let's put it this way - you totally deserve it. Totally. Oops, our time is up."
Actually, I'll be in charge of burning pentagrams onto leather bookmarks to start. Following an extensive apprentice program, I will graduate to intermediate gothic weavery.
I suppose it's unlikely I'll get the job; according to the job ad, they're looking for someone more hirsute and possibly cloven hooved.
Anyway, it's official: I got the gig reading tarot cards over the phone, so I can limp along financially until I get a "real" job. That's good, because it's starting to feel like the language center is gonna close down by September 1st, at which point I'm out on my multilingual ass.
As far as real jobs are concerned, I've got a call-back interview later this week for the language center management trainee position, the one where they'd send me to an exhorbitantly expensive city for six months, then transfer me to Cumquat, Kentucky. Fingers crossed.
Fed jobs? Nada. What's wrong with those people? I tell them I'm willing to single-handedly mop up the administrative mess FEMA caused in the wake of Katrina, live in Mont-fawkin-gomery, Alabama, fer Gawd's sake, and they don't even send me a postcard saying screw you?
State jobs? Two interviews, both for positions involving lots of copying - didn't get either one.
Guess they're saving me for the custodial job in the nuclear experiments lab.
I had a nice turndown from the Georgia O'Keeffe museum - they sent me a no-thanks vagina that looked an awful lot like a lily.
Reading tarot for lonely ladies is starting to sound like a good career move, but I tend to be a touch nihilistic - "No, ma'am, according to this seven of wands, he's not gonna leave his wife for you, but the spirits and guides are telling me that the bitch has impetigo - yes, just like Michael Jackson! Oh, and you're pregnant. Or is it your goldfish? Not sure. Wait a minute . . . it IS you, according to this card. See, the five of disks mean five months pregnant, and everyone knows goldfish don't gestate that long. Looks like a Christmas baby for you! Definitely! No, the tubal ligation didn't take. Happens all the time. Yeah. So anyway, in about six weeks you're gonna have a BIG surprise! Yes you are! Really! The guides are telling me I can't tell you what it is, but when you get it, BOY, will you think, "Gawd, that's what my psychic friend predicted!" Let's put it this way - you totally deserve it. Totally. Oops, our time is up."
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Bernardo
As you know, I teach ESL, at least for now. The classes are mostly one-on-one, in the students' homes, and the two-hour lessons usually occur once or twice a week. It's an intimate thing: faces about a foot apart, working together to discover something, trying to unlock a mystery and gain understanding.
On Monday evenings I have a class with Bernardo, a very sweet young guy from Costa Rica. We've been meeting for more than four months. He and his wife Cynthia have been here since last winter, working on a big project for a huge computer chip manufacturer. Since our classes emphasize conversational skills, I've asked him lots of questions and heard all about his family, his job, his favorite foods, his ideas about complicated modifications he wants to make to his bike, his dreams about running a big beach resort in Guanacaste, and plans for road trips to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas and Disneyland (the three top destinations on most of my students' wish lists).
He is more than my student - he is my friend. To the extent that two people who don't have a common language can learn to like each other while discussing hypothetical travel plans and kitchen utensils, we have done so.
Last night, when Bernardo answered the door, he didn't give me his usual big grin and firm handshake, his usual, "Hallo, Mister Steve!" Instead he was completely silent and looked at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen.
"Bernardo - what's wrong?"
"My wife . . . my wife . . . she die on Saturday."
Cynthia was 23.
Everything was fine Saturday morning. Bernardo went to work for a few hours. When he returned, Cynthia was asleep on the living room sofa. Bernardo gently called to her, "wake up," but she didn't move. He went over to shake her a little, and touched her face, and it was cold. She had lain down for a nap.
When the police responded to his 911 call, he was handcuffed and taken to police headquarters for questioning. The apartment was marked off like a crime scene.
By the time Bernardo was released and returned home, his wife's body had been removed and the apartment swept for evidence. In a daze, he called Cynthia's mother in Costa Rica to tell her what happened.
The coroner has ruled out heart or lung problems, and suspects a brain embolism. When the body is released, which may take weeks, Bernardo will accompany it back to Costa Rica for the funeral and burial.
How do you comfort a guy whose culture frowns on hugs and tears between men, unless it's related to a soccer match? Bernardo stood there in his living room with the Southwest-style rental furniture all around him, and demonstrated for me how he gently shook her pillow to wake her before he touched her face. I stared at the sofa. I stared at the immaculate apartment, as stripped of personal objects as a furniture showroom.
I stared at the pile of English language materials that once promised a new and wonderful life in a foreign country for an ambitious and light-hearted couple in love.
But mostly I stared into those sad, sad eyes.
On Monday evenings I have a class with Bernardo, a very sweet young guy from Costa Rica. We've been meeting for more than four months. He and his wife Cynthia have been here since last winter, working on a big project for a huge computer chip manufacturer. Since our classes emphasize conversational skills, I've asked him lots of questions and heard all about his family, his job, his favorite foods, his ideas about complicated modifications he wants to make to his bike, his dreams about running a big beach resort in Guanacaste, and plans for road trips to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas and Disneyland (the three top destinations on most of my students' wish lists).
He is more than my student - he is my friend. To the extent that two people who don't have a common language can learn to like each other while discussing hypothetical travel plans and kitchen utensils, we have done so.
Last night, when Bernardo answered the door, he didn't give me his usual big grin and firm handshake, his usual, "Hallo, Mister Steve!" Instead he was completely silent and looked at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen.
"Bernardo - what's wrong?"
"My wife . . . my wife . . . she die on Saturday."
Cynthia was 23.
Everything was fine Saturday morning. Bernardo went to work for a few hours. When he returned, Cynthia was asleep on the living room sofa. Bernardo gently called to her, "wake up," but she didn't move. He went over to shake her a little, and touched her face, and it was cold. She had lain down for a nap.
When the police responded to his 911 call, he was handcuffed and taken to police headquarters for questioning. The apartment was marked off like a crime scene.
By the time Bernardo was released and returned home, his wife's body had been removed and the apartment swept for evidence. In a daze, he called Cynthia's mother in Costa Rica to tell her what happened.
The coroner has ruled out heart or lung problems, and suspects a brain embolism. When the body is released, which may take weeks, Bernardo will accompany it back to Costa Rica for the funeral and burial.
How do you comfort a guy whose culture frowns on hugs and tears between men, unless it's related to a soccer match? Bernardo stood there in his living room with the Southwest-style rental furniture all around him, and demonstrated for me how he gently shook her pillow to wake her before he touched her face. I stared at the sofa. I stared at the immaculate apartment, as stripped of personal objects as a furniture showroom.
I stared at the pile of English language materials that once promised a new and wonderful life in a foreign country for an ambitious and light-hearted couple in love.
But mostly I stared into those sad, sad eyes.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
I feel like a pot of day-old oatmeal
Waiting to hear on jobs . . . . . . I'm starting to crust up around the edges and form a slight puddle, like leftover oatmeal in a pan left by mistake overnight on the top of the stove. Maybe if I were reheated and stirred vigorously, I could be delicious again (with lots of sugar, milk, raisins and a pat of butter) but if left to sit like this much longer I'll start growing into some experimental chemical warfare. I can feel the mold trying to form internally, like the gentle tickle of an incipient herpes ready to burst forth in interview-killing magnificence.
Song cue: Oliver!
Who will buy this crappy old fart face?
Such a guy you never did see!
Who will tie him up with some red tape
And put him at an old PC?
Who will buy a chubby with herpes?
He can type and make copies, too
Me oh my, he'll even do filing
And maybe kiss an ass or two
He used to work for Uncle Sam once
Now he's a piece of used TP
If ever you would hire this man once
He'd spend his mornings on his knees
Who will buy a dandy old dandy?
Take what's left of his self-respect?
It would end his humilation
If just one boss from hell
Would answer his e-mail
There must be someone
Who will buy!
Song cue: Oliver!
Who will buy this crappy old fart face?
Such a guy you never did see!
Who will tie him up with some red tape
And put him at an old PC?
Who will buy a chubby with herpes?
He can type and make copies, too
Me oh my, he'll even do filing
And maybe kiss an ass or two
He used to work for Uncle Sam once
Now he's a piece of used TP
If ever you would hire this man once
He'd spend his mornings on his knees
Who will buy a dandy old dandy?
Take what's left of his self-respect?
It would end his humilation
If just one boss from hell
Would answer his e-mail
There must be someone
Who will buy!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Gimme somma DAT!
Oooooh, finally had an interview that left me wanting the job. No cross-examination; no extremely disconcerting drawbacks. Just three very lovely ladies who obviously enjoy their work and who have been recogized for their efforts with promotions, raises, and really good secure careers! The job is interesting and pays well and it's in a low-stress but high-responsibility state agency in beautiful Santa Fe, New Mexico. They hope to make a decision for the job tomorrow. PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME
I think they liked me, they really liked me!
Deep breath. Like I said in a recent blog, no matter what happens I'll end up dead - if I get this job, maybe I'll die wrapped in a serape, sitting in front of a kiva stove in my own cute little adobe ranchito. Or is that ranchero? Well I don't mean covered in salsa and nacho cheese, folks!
I think they liked me, they really liked me!
Deep breath. Like I said in a recent blog, no matter what happens I'll end up dead - if I get this job, maybe I'll die wrapped in a serape, sitting in front of a kiva stove in my own cute little adobe ranchito. Or is that ranchero? Well I don't mean covered in salsa and nacho cheese, folks!
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