Meet My New Boyfriend

He's got everything I'm looking for in a boyfriend - lots of pucker power, the stamina to keep at it all night, and a very long hose.

Plus he's into bondage. Oh, and he's got teal accessories - very Southwesty.

We even met cute. I got a call last Monday at work - there was a last-minute cancellation at the sleep lab; could I come in that night to test out various CPAP machines? Shore could! So in I went, freshly showered and cologned and armed with brownies for the delicious Patrick. Patrick wasn't working that night, dammit, but the scrumptious Victor was at the helm and delightedly devoured the brownies. (Lots of very good looking sleep techs there; makes me think the hiring manager is gaygaygay.) All night long, when Victor hovered over my face to adjust things, there was the delicate scent of chocolate and walnuts on his breath. I'm talking heaven, right? Yumm!

First we tried on various masks and ended up with this one, a top-of-the-line miracle of modern plastics technology, with a complicated but effective double-decker gasket and a comfortable harness. Then we tried various levels, patterns and styles of forced-air pressure, and voila!! I SLEPT! I slept five hours!! I accommodated the mask no problem and had vivid dreams (evidently, when you've been deprived of REM sleep for a long time, there's a REM-rebound effect where you can expect your brain to catch up on the vivid dreaming!). In my first visit to the lab, I logged a total of 12.5 MINUTES of REM sleep the entire night. On this occasion, almost two full hours of REM.

I guess the biggest surprise was how quiet the machine was. The only sound is when you inhale, there's a little bit of an asthmatic wheeze, otherwise it's silent. I wouldn't call the mask comfortable, but it didn't prevent me from dropping off and staying asleep, so it's a champ in my book!

Did I feel more energetic and rested the next day? Damn tootin'! I'm kinda bummed that I have to go back to non-sleeping while I wait for the machine to arrive sometime this week, but when it does, I plan to log some major sleep time, like 12 hours a night.

Victor said that a patient of his, a woman who weighed over 300 pounds, started on the CPAP machine and dropped 75 quick as a wink, just because she was sleeping and feeling rested and more energetic. I did some research online and they say that when a person is sleep-deprived, their "I'm hungry" hormones increase and their "I'm full" hormones decrease, feeding the vicious cycle. Wow, a bed partner that's good for me!

My dreamy new boyfriend - I think I'll keep him!