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I've done some research on metabolism and diet and here's what I've concluded:

Small, frequent meals is the way to go.
My diet should consist almost entirely of lean protein and vegetables.
I should eliminate all fat from my diet at this time - there's enough in various protein sources.
Carbohydrates should be limited to three small servings per day (includes fruit, potatoes, oatmeal and rice).
Caffeine is okay but dairy and soy milk need to be avoided at this time.

So here's the way it looks:

Breakfast - egg whites and a carb
Brunch - 5 oz protein and veggies
Lunch - 5 oz protein, veggies and carb
Linner - 5 oz protein and veggies
Dinner - 5 oz protein and veggies and carb

No nighttime snack; no eating after 8 pm.
Vitamins: Cal/Mag/Zinc, Vitamin C, Glucosamine, multivitamin
Exercice half hour after one of the meals that includes a carb.
Lots of water (of course).
Lots of lemon, herbs and pepper.

Eliminate salt completely at this time (for significant initial stored water loss).

The theory behind this is that my metabolism will start to rev up and I'll burn fat. Also, down the line, I can add more cals but the metabolism will be burning hotter and the cals won't be stored as fat.

This sounds extreme but "everyone" says I won't be hungry because of the frequency of meals. I'm going to cook my food in advance each day and divvy the meals into tupperware containers. If I want to nuke it, I can, but I probably will prefer it cold.

So I started yesterday and I'm sure to see dramatic results. I know that boosting my metabolic rate is a key factor to future and continued weight loss. So much of what's happened to me in the last couple of years is the virtual shut-down of my metabolism, coupled with great fatigue and the consequent loss of muscle from lack of activity. I remember when I first came to Seattle this last time and I was tipping the scales at 400 or so, I was still able to go for a two-mile walk with John, and shop for furniture with Mary Jo. That was about 100 pounds ago, but more than that, I am practically incapable of walking more than 100 feet without feeling too exhausted to go on.

Obviously, more activity is on the menu, but I'm not going to set up an impossible routine for myself at this time. If I get the food program on track, that will bring me plenty of positive results for now, plus I'm sure to feel more energized and motivated to increase my activity level.

So here we go!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Making a plan for the week ahead

So this week, Ande leaves town with her dogs and I'm alone. In the past, that kind of scenario meant a free pass to eat anything I wanted. But I'm not gonna do it this time. I'm making a plan right now to eat appropriately all week and keep to a schedule of activities that will benefit me, benefit the house and feel like accomplishment.

I will get some tamales from that great place nearby, so I can have a couple a day. I'm also going to cook up some broccoli and marinate it so I have a delicious container of green to dip into whenever I'm hungry. It's a healthy way to get some veggies into me!

Today I'm going to go to the dump with some boxes, and I'm going to get ONE breakfast burrito on the way. ONE. It's possible, you know. You don't have to stock up for the winter every time you buy food. You're not feeding a family of four - you're just feeding yourself. Come on, Steve, see if you can do it! Order ONE burrito and one diet drink and be satisfied! You can always stop somewhere else later if you're just DYING. But for now, have just one. I know you were thinking about getting at least two - really, it's not necessary. You're not even hungry. You just want to treat yourself, but remember, it's really not a treat. It's a trick.

Trick or Treat - making the decision to eat right, time after time. How's that for a book title?!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Chalk up another good weekend

I just saw an evangelist on TV. Don't worry, I'm not "that kind of person" by any means, but we don't have cable, so I was channel surfing and I stopped momentarily on this guy. He's a very handsome, fit looking preacher. I've never seen him before. This wasn't a Jan Crouch moment. Anyway, he was talking about how a breakthrough doesn't happen after one good thought, but after repeated good thoughts, one after another, over and over and over and over. He was talking about discipline, and how we all have it in us to be disciplined, whether we've been successful with it or not.

And of course this is exactly what it means to be on a diet. One good choice after another after another, time after time, day after day, week after week, and on and on and on. Then, "suddenly," comes the success.

It's really easy to toss it all away and overeat. It's really easy to persuade myself that it's only a little step backward to go off the plan. But I rely on the momentum I've developed these last few weeks to keep my intention on track, and to stay the course. I am being propelled by my thoughts and the things that are happening as a result of those thoughts. It's like two forces, working in tandem to get me where I want to go.

A day like today could've been thrown away with a self-indulgent food thought. Instead, I just hung in there, kept reasonably busy, and didn't overdo the consuming. I'll be in bed in a few hours and I'll be able to say to myself, "Steve, you stayed on track this weekend, and you can be happy about that." I can also say, "God, thank you for letting me find this path to be easier and easier with each succeeding day. "

Friday, August 26, 2005

I'm having a little pain because . . .

I quit taking ibuprofen four days ago. I would take five in the morning, another 4 or 5 midday, and 4 or 5 at bedtime along with 4 diphenhydramine. A little eccessive, I know. I used to take 4 to 6 aspirin morning and midday, then 4 Tylenol PM at night. I switched to ibuprofen because I thought it would be a good idea to switch off. Then I realized I was really overdooing the ibuprofen, so I quit taking any pain meds at all.

First, my hands started to ache, mostly around the thumb joints. Then I noticed that all my joints, particularly my hips, knees and ankles, were stiff and achy. Not bad, but definitely hurting. I also have a vague headache, it seems, kind of a sinus headache. Now, all of this was basically hidden from me by the meds. I knew I was taking them for a reason, but I had lost touch with the actuality of what hurt and how badly. Now I know.

I think it would be a good idea to stay off the meds for awhile and learn to accommodate the discomfort. It's not really pain, it's just aches.

I could take a low dose of aspirin every day for the anti-heart attack benefit. I mean a LOW dose.

Dietwise, things have been very good. I'm averaging about 1500 cals a day, even on "special" days like Ande's birthday. Mostly I'm not that hungry, so I credit the phentermine. I started my second month on it today. I plan to continue taking it for another few months. I would like to keep dropping.

Yesterday I noticed how much looser my linen shirt is. It used to fit snugly around my belly when I sat down. Now it's got a lot of room! I was surprised, because I can tell I've dropped weight in my face and chest, but I wasn't sure about my belly. That's very good news! I'm really very happy about it. I'm surprised, though, that I still feel so tired and not interested in doing much exercise. I feel wobbly on my feet, like I can't get balanced, and I know it's because of my size. I may need to drop another 50 pounds before I can begin a more concerted effort to exercise. I think about how much activity I used to participate in when I weighed 320. I would go for two-mile walks on the beach, and ride my bike, and move around all day. Now I sit down and it's all I can do to persuade myself to get up. It's hard to get up. I'll feel so much better when it's easier for me to get up and move around. Until then, the best I can do is keep on track with my food. A report I saw says that lowered intake is 80% of the reason for weight loss, the other 20% being increased activity. For now, 80% is just fine. Just don't start slacking. Commit to a renewed clarity of thought and vision on this and soon you'll feel better!

Dear God, I'm grateful for everything and I recommit to continuing down the path of health.

Amen.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Conflict/Resolution

I had an emotional moment with my housemate Ande yesterday. She said something hurtful, and I said something hurtful, and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the evening. I didn't sleep well and awoke this morning with the intention to write her an email. Which I did. As it turned out, my email morphed along the way from some sort of inflammatory, accusatory treatise to a more thoughtful statement which included a sincere apology. I saw the truth of what happened, and I was able to let go of the anger and pain that initially colored my thoughts so I could see that what was really at the center of it was my supersensitivity to criticism.

Whatever might motivate a criticism aimed at me, regardless of its relative truth or fairness, I respond by pulling into myself and having a painful internal battle of self-esteem. You see, I grew up with no siblings in a family with four smart, critical adults who found fault with everything I did. I couldn't win. Even if I brought home straight A's I was still lousy at baseball. If I won a piano competition, well the kids I beat weren't that good. I could rub my mother's feet for hours and still I was fat sissy, and therefore a huge disappointment. I believed that whatever affection my parents and grandparents had for me would evaporate if (1) they knew I was gay, or (2) I didn't keep pleasing them. That's the recipe for a person who takes criticism way too personally and who thinks that "You didn't vacuum very well" sounds alot like "I don't love you anymore." This is my issue, my big fat issue, and has been the part of my personality I despise the most my whole life. I'm always looking for an opportunity to feel sorry for myself and to confirm my innate unlovability. That's what John used to say and he was right. I know this about myself.

In many ways, I'm here with Ande to give me a chance to change on this issue. I need to change. I must change. Part of my obesity is built on the platform of low self-esteem, which this feeds so well. This sort of emotional stuff always comes up when you're dieting. Change happens, and buttons are pushed, and old beliefs and ways of being move forward, demanding to be heard. Trying to reestablish their preeminence. But dramatic change, such as moving in a helthy, self-respecting direction, is a catalyst for other changes in the same area. That' why I didn't just retreat to my sulky place like always. This time I saw the intrinsic truth of the situation and, from a healthier place, could reexamine its underlying factors and acknowledge that it wasn't the criticism but my reaction to it that was the dis-ease.

Here's the funny part - I didn't eat at all yesterday. After Ande and I had our moment, I retreated to my foodless bedroom for the evening. I suppose I could have left home and gotten some fast food last night, but I didn't, not last night. Maybe that's why this morning I had some insight into my behavior. Maybe if I had stuffed my face last night, I wouldn't have gotten the point. I'd probably feel even more sorry for myself.

Today, after I sent the email, I went out and got two burritos, a chicken sandwich and two apple turnovers. I ate them all in an hour. Actually, for a cumulative two days, it wasn't so bad. Later, Ande sent me an email in return, which fairly and honestly gave her side of things, and when she came home, we hugged. Tomorrow is her birthday. I'm very relieved we worked through it and aren't still in conflict.

So at this time I'm going to say, Dear God, thank you for giving me insight into my behavior and motivations, and thank you for allowing me now to release these things that stem from believing I am not good enough. I let go of low self-esteem and I release self-pity. I accept my innate goodness and worthiness as a person and let go of thoughts that equate real or perceived criticism with unloveability. I am loveable. I am loved. I am blessed and I am grateful. Amen.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

A so-so weekend

Yesterday I took a spin. It was a beautiful day, typical for summer here in Albuquerque. Clear, hot but with a nice breeze. I enjoyed leaving the house after being on the computer for hours most days last week. I went looking for the burrito place I found once that makes these great stewed chicken burritos (very delicious and not too much fat). I wandered around for awhile and didn't find it, so I stopped at Mr. P's and got a barbecued turkey leg to take home. As it turned out, Ande brought me a hamburger and ice cream from her friend's house, and suddenly I found myself chowing down on what was a high fat, high calorie dinner after managing to avoid eating too much during the day. As it turned out, I had a very uncomfortable feeling of fullness and bloating. I belched my way through the night and had acid reflux. Basically, it was not a pleasure. Besides, the hamburger was blah and the ice cream wasn't very good.

So now it's today. I ate the turkey leg for lunch and it was very good, not greasy at all. I followed it up with pineapple. Tonight I'm having my usual poached chicken, carrots and onion over rice. It's good - I returned to eating right and the weekend isn't a total loss by any means. It just wasn't very fun. I would like to figure out something to do other than eat when I go out. I can't move around very much so shopping isn't fun, and I'm not the kind to go to a bar and hang out. I think I was onto something when I was contemplating taking a pottery wheel-throwing class. It's food free, creative, and sit-down (for the most part). I'm gonna put it back on my list of possibilities.

The other thing I wanted to do was get out the paints and start on a canvas this weekend. Well, I didn't. I got really busy with the computer and the next thing you know there wasn't time. This week I'll get the paints out, lay them out, and set everything up so I can just jump in and start painting when the mood hits.

So what's the plan for the upcoming week? I'm going to do very moderate food all week, get some fresh veggies and fruits to augment what Ande has in the house, and plan on chalking up a success by the end of the week. Ande's birthday is Wednesday but that doesn't mean I need to blow my program. I can eat a piece of cake or whatever, but I'll know it's coming and eat prior to it accordingly.

Okay, just a boring post, but the truth is that being on a program is often boring. The enthusiasm wanes, the measureable and visible benefits diminish, and all you're left with is your commitment to yourself. As it turns out, that's plenty. I can find pleasure, satisfaction and success in the week ahead if I stay the course. Keep on keeping on, Steve.

Thank you, God, for my journey, and thank you for your continued support. Amen.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Later the same day

I got ravenously hungry this evening, and against my better judgment I went out into the world and got some mexican food from the local burrito place. It was sort of good, but mostly it was an unfulfilling experience to eat. I liked it, but I would have felt better eating a chicken breast and some broccoli. So go figure - In the past, when I succumbed to temptation and ate the "forbidden," it would taste incredibly delicious to me, then afterwards, I would feel remorse. This time I felt so-so eating it, it definitely was not a taste treat, and afterwards, I don't feel remorse exactly but I feel like it's something I don't want to do again. I guess it's a successful experience, but it didn't start out that way.

Is it the progress I've made lately? Is it a shift in my perception and goals? Whatever brings me to this place at this time, I'm glad for it.

Plan better, eat a little more during the day, and don't let yourself get to that place of ravenousness that prompts you into doing the wrong thing. Besides, you don't really want to do it anymore, anyway, so it's better to make a little oatmeal for lunch, or open a can of turkey chili, or do whatever you need to do to be moderate and comfortable. At this point I don't feel comfortable - I feel bloated. I feel a little nauseous.

I believe I won't do that again.

I believe I can avoid the situation I found myself in by eating moderately through the day.

I believe my desires have changed, and my behaviors will follow.

I believe that I can be happier without bingeing.

An amazing few days . . . .

Not a whole lot to report, just wanted to say I've kept cals down these last three days and am feeling very good! Today, I'm a little hungry, which is a good thing, and will still remain on track.

Sometimes I look back on a good period and wonder why it was so; in this case, I just kept busy, kept access to food to a minimum, and simply "sat" with my hungers until they dissipated.

Thank you, God, for this success and help me keep on track.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

A Red Letter Weekend

This was the kind of weekend I want to have again and again - moderate food, moderate exercise, a few small accomplishments along the way, and even a few compliments! I also signed up a new member for my site, and looked into a variety of at-home jobs that are much less stressful and uncertain as sales (although probably not as lucrative). I went swimming Saturday at Ande's friend Susan's house, and it was blissful. A calm, relaxed, watery pleasure from beginning to end. I so enjoy being weightless and able to move around without the stress on my knees, back, and sweat glands.

I've got lots to do this week but I'll push through and derive a feeling of satisfaction from it. I'll also keep my eating moderate, and look for ways to increase my activity level.

Thank you God! I'm doing it.

Friday, August 12, 2005

A Rainy Day in Albuquerque?

I have a picture of me on my cork board. It's about 9 years ago in Palm Springs. I put it there because, although I'm grayer, this is where I want to be in a year or so - about 350 pounds, tan, happy, active, and enjoying life.

Ande says that I'm gonna be surprised about the way the monsoon rains hit here in the winter, and I suppose she's right, because today it suddenly grayed over, thunder roared, and a torrential downpour drenched everything for about an hour. It was quite exciting, and cooled off things by about 20 degrees, always a plus.

I'm having a very good day today, staying busy and keeping the intake down. There's not much to eat in the house, but I'll come up with something for dinner. God knows it's better than going out and eating something I don't need to be eating, like hamburgers or fried chicken or something.

This was an unsuccessful week as far as scoring some commissioned sales, but I've learned a lot and all I have to do is persevere. I guess that's the lesson of my life right now - keep swimming, keep trudging down the path, because good things will come my way so long as a persevere.

Dear God, thank you for keeping me on the path, and thank you for allowing me to see the subtle but sustaining rewards for staying there. I'm blessed and I'm grateful.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Just Trudging Down the Road

One of the rewards of "dieting" is that you start to look better, thinner, and your clothes start to feel loose, and this reward invigorates your willpower, so the good behavior is reinforced. The fact is, with a person as large as I am, even a drop of 20 or 30 pounds isn't immediately apparent. It's a little daunting, looking in the mirror and hoping to find evidence of weight loss, and just looking at the huge belly and the thunder thighs and the big fat face. But if I look closely, I can see a little difference. For example, my double chin (which used to be consistently round and full from ear to ear) is now less full on the sides, and the bottom is starting to form into a wattle. Eventually I'll lose the fat in the wattle, too, and it won't be so pronounced. But for now, it's the most visible sign that I'm losing weight.

Another sign is that my belly doesn't steer the car anymore. Before, the steering wheel dented the pillow of belly fat (and left a black smudge on all my clothes). Now there's a hair's breadth of space between the wheel and the belly.

These are tiny, tiny signs that seem ridiculous, but I have a need to be reinforced by perceiving progress, no matter how small. I have to remind myself that, although 20 pounds is just a drop in the bucket for a person of my size, it's actually a substantive amount of weight - two bags of kitty litter, for example. I know from experience that, sooner than I think, the pounds start adding up and by Christmas (or by Easter) the weight loss is significant. I also know that, as soon as I drop a few more pounds, I'll be able to be more active, more able to walk around, and that will spur another drop in weight. For now, I just have to keep my eyes on the day before me, and do the right thing, and keep going in a positive direction, because it's soooooooooo worth it.

I'm reminded of something a marathoner said once about a large-sized entrant who obviously moved a lot slower. He said, "You know, I can finish the marathon in 2 hours and 45 minutes, but for the big guy, it takes him over 8 hours. I couldn't do that!" I've said it before: being huge is like walking around with a 300-pound barbell on your shoulders and wearing a fur coat. There aren't many who could do it. It's the old Paul Bunyan trick: starting when a calf is just born, pick it up every day. Soon the calf is a cow and you've accommodated its weight by increasing your strength. Somewhere in my thighs and calves are muscles that can lift me up out of a chair, and propel me along the path. There's strength in there somewhere, ready to come out and help me down the road. I have it in me to be active and healthy. It's all about keeping on the path.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

It's a Great Feeling . . . .

. . . when you put on your clothes in the morning and what used to be tight is loose! It's one of those uplifting experiences that puts a bounce in your step and sends you out the door whistling!

I'm hungry for something really delicious, but my hunger is outweighed by my happiness in being successful with taking off some pounds. I think I'll go get some BBQ chicken - it's a good substitute for the beef ribs, not nearly as greasy or caloric, but almost as tasty, and will quell the Mr. P desire for another few weeks. It's like the more I deny myself the Mr. P experience, the bigger the desire grows, so a little mollifying is in order. Today would be a good day for it. It's cool, it's beautiful, I'm dressed in my (loose) clothes, and it would be a simple hop, skip and jump. Besides, it's nice to go out into the world a little. I've been hiding for too long. I need to be more connected to the world.

So that's Plan A: a nice drive, BBQ chicken, and a peaceful rest of the day. I'll use today to gear up for the rest of the week. I feel wonderful! I intend on keeping that feeling alive.

Or Plan B: I could eat a couple of tamales and take a nice long nap. Doesn't sound so bad, actually!

Either way, life is good. Thank you, God. I'm blessed and I'm grateful. Amen.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Memory Lane

Here are some mileposts in my life as a dieter/eater/fattie:

First diet: age 8. Third grade. Prescribed by my pediatrician. 1200 cals a day. I weighed 95 pounds. I lost 10 pounds. My mom made me: an egg and a piece of toast for breakfast; a pineapple yogurt for lunch; a lamb chop and green beans for dinner. Pretty much every day.

Weight, age 10: 105. Fifth grade.
Weight, age 11: 150. Sixth grade. What happened? I hit puberty, figured out I was gay, got very nervous about blossoming sexuality and the "interest" of girls. I kept thinking I would be invited to some makeout party and my homosexuality would be revealed to everyone because I couldn't perform. What a ridiculous fantasy! I also found a great opportunity to eat: as the captain of the school patrols, I got a free lunch in the cafeteria. I didn't tell my mother, so she kept packing me a lunch. I'd eat her lunch at 10:30 in the morning, wolf it down while I stood alone in the patrol closet (no light, just choking down the meat loaf sandwich). Then I'd eat the cafeteria lunch at Noon. No wonder I gained. I added fully a whole meal to my intake. What I remember distinctly about that year was that my pants were sooo tight that I was constantly pulling at my balls to free them from being bound up. My parents kept saying, "Don't touch yourself" but didn't buy me new pants.

Weight, age 13: 188. Seventh grade. I grew a lot taller so I was proportionally just a "husky" kid but I was in the hospital with an undiagnosed disease (turned out to be mono) and I remember the corpsman being shocked that I weighed so much, more than he did.

Weight, age 14: 225. Eighth grade.
Diet #2: Weight Watchers. My mom and I went together and we both lost about 20 pounds before we gave up. Weight Watchers at the time encuraged you to make these abominable recipes, like pumpkin souffle made with canned pumpkin and gelatin. It wouldn't even flush down the toilet.

Now here's the amazing thing - my weight pretty much stayed the same from age 14 to age 17. I even grew a few inches. My tenth grade PE teacher was a very nice, young guy and he had me run a mile every day instead of doing stupid sports. I didn't lose weight (I had discovered the salad bar at the cafeteria and would ladle on the 1000 island dressing by the half-cupful) but I didn't gain.

Then my mother got sick. She had cancer of the pancreas. She was sick for a year and a half. Then my mother died. During the time she was sick, she lost 100 pounds, but of course it wasn't a good thing - she was dying, she was losing muscle mass. It seemed so ironic to me that she was actually glad to have lost the 100 pounds. About three weeks before she died, she tried on some of her fancy evening dresses from Japan and they all fit; in fact, they were too big. But she was so sick, she could hardly stand up.

She was by far the most important person in my life, and as an only child, almost completely estranged from my father, I had nobody to relate to when she died. I started overeating within 45 minutes of her death. We were circled around her body in the hospital room, and I asked my dad for some money for the sandwich vending machine in the visitor's lounge. "Of course, Son, here you go," he said, with big compassionate eyes. And I wolfed this vending machine egg salad sandwich down my throat so fast I almost choked.

In the year after my mother's death, I gained 100 pounds.

Nobody suggested I talk to a counselor. Nobody offered to help me. I just was in my own world, getting A's in school, working on the school yearbook, and trying to fill the big empty hole I felt in my stomach (it's called a broken heart). By the time I graduated from high school, I weighed 325.

Then I moved to Long Beach, California, and started a protein-sparing modified fast with Dr. Lindner. I lost 100 pounds in 9 months and felt really good. But then I started at USC and the attention from girls was so strong that I panicked. I started stuffing my face, and sure enough, soon I was too fat to be attractive. 260, 280, 320 - - - it didn't take long to put it all back, plus more. By the time I was 20, I weighed about 350.

Age 23: 389. Back to the Lindner clinic for another try at a protein diet. Sure enough, 100 pounds dropped, and once again I stalled. Slowly the pounds inched back on, and I had the humiliating experience of watching all the people on the office who had cheered me on for the weight loss now avert their eyes from my belly as I walked toward them in the halls. It was excruciating. But soon I was up to about 400, where I hovered for almost 10 years.

Funny thing was, so long as I wasn't yo-yoing on a diet cycle, I'd stay pretty constantly at a given weight. I'd make futile attempts to lose, but it was always half-hearted, and I'd just go on being 400 or so.

When I moved to Palm Springs in 1995, I was 37 and weighed 450.

That's when I went on phen-fen. I was swimming every day in my pool, I was riding my bike around the parking lot of a deserted shopping center, and I was feeling really good about myself. I dropped 120 pounds and made a move to San Diego.

By then I was off a doctor's supervision and making trips to Tijuana to buy the meds.

At first, San Diego and the work I did were conducive to continued weight loss, and I crept up to the magic 300, swearing I'd be under 300 for the first time since I was 19. But I just didn't make it. By then, I was embroiled in an emotional roller coaster of unrequited love, knowing I would never have the love returned to me, and the pressure of working and going to design school became too much. I started creeping back up the scale and it wasn't a year before I was up to 400 again.

In 2001, I was 42 and my father was extremely ill. I moved back to Seattle to be with him and to remake my life after it had all fallen apart in San Diego. I hovered at 420 for the year I spent healing the relationship I had with my father. For the first time I felt like my dad wasn't judging me because I was fat; he was frankly too sick to care. He was just glad I was around, and we mended our bond. When he died in late 2002, I figured I wouldn't have a consequent weight gain, but of course, I did, and a year later I was up to 480 or so. This is where I've hovered for the last two years. When I moved to Albuquerque, I was a neat quarter-ton - 500 pounds.

Along the way, I've tried Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers again, my own concoctions, my own regimens, going to a gym, and so on, but they were little ripples in the pond. Mostly I lived from day to day, in a funk about my weight and my health and my discomfort, but not really motivated to do anything about it.

Maybe I can look this "history" over and see what I need to do to avoid the usual slide back up the scale. Maybe this will enlighten me -- maybe I can do the right thing this time.

Friday, August 05, 2005

I ate - and I kept it moderate!

I chose #2: go out and eat something moderate. And that's exactly what I did. I went to Blimpie of all places (basically because I knew nothing there would be thrilling) and got a 1/2 roast beef sub with double veggies and no mayo. It wasn't delicious but it was filling, and it was a successful attempt to be moderate.

On the way home I stopped at this huge Mexican take-out restaurant that's right by the house. It's been there since 1921. I bought a dozen tamales and threw them in the freezer. Now I've got something tasty but not too high in cals/fat that I can pop in the microwave and be eating in two minutes. I will limit myself to one at a time, and one a day (either for lunch or dinner). Not for bedtime snack. An apple is the only choice for that.

I am aware of my stomach feeling FULL. I am aware that I do not feel hungry at all. I am proud of myself and look forward to a great weekend!

Hooray for Stevie!

Okay, I really want to EAT

All right, here are the choices:

1) NO! You're not really hungry, just bored/agitated/anxious. Take a nap and forget about leaving the house today.

2) Go for a drive, get a huge iced tea and something SMALL and low-calorie/l0w-fat to eat, and then, when the pressure's off and you're feeling less frantic, come back home and make yourself a bowl of oatmeal.

There are no other choices. You CANNOT got to Mr. P's. You CANNOT binge eat.

All right? What's it gonna be, dude?

Why do I want to (over) eat?

Because I'm disappointed in myself and to overeat fits the pattern.
Because I'm feeling down and want to cheer myself up.
Because I'm tired and want to feel energized.
Because I'm lazy and I'd rather eat than try to fix my problems.
Because I don't want to do anything else.
Because I keep imagining the taste of the food in my mouth, the grease bathing my tongue and slipping down my throat.
Because sometimes I don't give a fuck about my future and figure, "What the hell."
Because I figure that, somehow, it will change things.
Because I'm sad and lonely and food is friend, my companion, my lover.
Because I can.
Because.

Why DON'T I want to overeat?

Because I know that the ultimate outcome will be that overeating will hurt me.
Because I really want to feel better about myself, not worse.
Because I can derive better results from taking a nap and engaging in a little activity.
Because I've made progress these last 10 days and I don't want to throw it away.
Because I respect myself (or am trying to).
Because I love myself (or am trying to).
Because I can.
Because.

What will I do today?

Actually, I'm not sure.
I believe I can NOT overeat.
I believe I will NOT overeat.
I believe I am capable of helping myself.
I believe I can be thin and fit and healthy and happy.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Push-Pull

While my life goes on in a relatively boring way, there's this relentless discussion going on in my head: the relative merits of maintaining low-calorie/fat intake vs. the orgasmic pleasure of burying my face in a plate of greasy barbecue beef ribs. It's almost constant: do I or don't I?

Instant vs. delayed gratification. A moment of happiness now vs. many moments of happiness later. Is it worth it? Bad vs. good. For every day I choose "sobriety" there's a stronger pull to the negative: "Well, I mean, it's been 10 days, for God's sake, since you've had any ribs, it won't be that bad, it won't hurt you. Go ahead, so what? So it puts you back a day - big deal!" And on and on. The clever, rational voice of the inner addict, looking for any opening, any opportunity to say, "Look! We feel differently this moment, we're excited, we're bored, we're lonely, we're depressed, let's jump on this and make us feel differently with a big jump into the instant pleasure/pain of overeating.

There isn't a moment when my inner addict isn't looking for an opportunity, a crack in the facade, a break in my willpower. Needing comfort? Needing self-flaggellation? Needing a surge of energy? Needing to be "bad"? There he is, arms outstretched, ready, willing and able to return me to my misery. Because whatever I'm feeling, whatever I'm doing, it's just not enough - it's always time to self-medicate with food.

Happy? Extend it with ice cream.
Lonely? How about some cheese and crackers.
Bored? Maybe some Thai food.
Tired? Try a cheeseburger.
Excited? Here's some peanut butter cookies.
Sad? Time for a big bowl of pasta dripping with butter.
Morning? Egg McMuffin.
Noon? Chef Salad laden with 1000 Island dressing.
Evening? A big huge plate piled with food (after all, it's dinnertime).
Bedtime? Well, something really special because it's the last chance of the day, so maybe some honey-baked ham and swiss cheese and a pile of mayo to dip it in.

Mood, time, circumstance, attitude. A lifetime of learned behavior, experience, habit, compulsion, ready to flood me.

A tidal wave being held back (at this moment) by sheer will, a little pill, and a moment or two to chill out.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Off and Running

I had another excellent food day yesterday. I stayed home and made a chinese dinner with tofu, bok choy, scallions, peppers, zucchini and rice. It was delicious. I'm hungry today, not really HUNGRY but it's been awhile since I had a food-related treat, and I feel myself itching for something super delicious/greasy/bad. But I can skip it. Honestly, it's so much better if I just don't go out there and tempt myself. I'd so much rather keep doing the right thing. It's good for me. Really good for me!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Stayed Home - Took a Nap

With the strong desire to leave the house yesterday and EAT, I decided I could best avoid a disaster by staying home, eating some fruit and taking a nap. So that's what I did, and I'm so glad.
The nap was a way to "celebrate" my new job but do it in a way that was healthy for me. So I turned on the a/c, snuggled up next to my dog, and enjoyed two hours of comfortable rest. Compared to getting in my non a/c'd vehicle and chowing down on a huge order of barbeque beef ribs, it was a distinctly positive move.

posted by Stephen Alexander at 9:42 AM

Monday, August 01, 2005

I'm feeling like having a celebration, and want to go get something to eat. Now, that would be fine, depending on what I get. So here's the plan:

a. Go out and drive through someplace that offers reasonably low-fat choices and get something reasonable.

b. Realize that going out is a ticket to disaster, stay home instead and cook something.

I'll report later on what I decided.

Monday, Monday

Traditionally, Monday is the day when fat people start diets. You never start on a Thursday afternoon. Scheduling a diet to begin on Monday allows for a weekend of "lasts" - this is the last lasagna I'll ever eat, this is the last ice cream, the last cheddar cheese, the last pastrami sandwich. It also labels the diet as work, because it starts at the beginning of a work week. If dieting were seen as an exciting opportunity to achieve health and vitality instead of a difficult period of deprivation, then you'd leap at the chance to begin on a Thursday afternoon.

The current thinking is to shy away from the word "diet" completely and call it a living plan, or a health plan, or an eating/exercise plan, but let's face it, it's a diet. Traditionally, the word diet meant that which you ate. It wasn't meant to be the word to represent a restricted calorie regime. It's simply what you eat. And the word diet is what I've called it all my life, from the years when I watched my mother go on diets, to my first doctor-prescribed low-cal diet at age 8.

So this will be my new definition: Dieting is an exciting opportunity to achieve better health and vitality. Dieting encompasses everything I do to that end: the food I eat, the pills I take, the exercise I do, the sleep I get, the amount of self-love and self-care I expend on myself, my attitude, my happiness, all of it. It's my diet, and it's a complicated, multi-faceted, organic collection of actions, efforts, and beliefs that changes and grows with time and the challenges set before it. It all boils down to doing the thing that's good for me at any given moment, instead of the thing that pretends to be good for me (like the pleasure of eating a fatty meal) when in fact it's bad for me.

I am responsible for my own loving care. I am uniquely qualified for the position! I know exactly what I want and need, and I am ever-present to fulfill those wants and needs. I am literally at my own beck and call 24 hours a day. No servant could do as well serving me as I can do serving myself. Besides, it's how God intended it.

My training as a child by my mother to be a servant to her, and to put my own needs second to whomever it was I was trying to please, was a wrong turn down a dark alley. It is my duty, right and ultimate joy to do for myself.

My life is so full of promise and opportunity now -- it is of my own making, and I am thrilled to be at the helm of an operation that can become more fit, more happy, more successful . . . . . the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the flowers are blooming and the joy of life is everywhere. I believe in myself, accept myself and love myself fully, because that is how it is.

I believe in the inherent goodness of myself and forgive myself of all my mistakes so that I may walk without burdens from the past into the now.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Success!

I pulled it together yesterday and kept a moderate calorie/fat intake, which makes me feel much better. I went to a Thai restaurant with Ande and her visitors and I felt satisfied with a "regular" serving of food. Also I realize that I haven't had a bedtime snack in a few days!

I'll just say Dear God, thank you for this opportunity, and thank you for the continued weight loss as I walk towards a healthier life. Amen.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Plan B

With great intentions I started the day yesterday and felt really good - then something unexpected happened, pushing the diet ("food plan") to a back burner, and subsequently I ate more than I had planned. I got a call for an amazing job, did a rather high-stress telephone interview, and will be doing another IV, this time with the boss, on Monday. I was so excited, I jumped in the car. I initially planned to find the burrito place with with the good, stewed chicken burritos. Instead I got caught in a traffic jam, and my plans flew out the window. Next thing I knew, I was ordering fried chicken at Church's. Three big pieces of fried chicken and a honey biscuit. It was delicious. I felt bad.

Later, Ande and her mother made pressure-cooked pork chops with broccoli, and I ate a full dinner, then followed it with a bowl of ice cream. All in all, I ate probably 4000 cals instead of around 1500, and went to bed feeling like I had failed for the day. It's a punishment, isn't it, a self-flaggellation, when I overeat.

This morning I got to spend liesurely in bed, watching Roman Holiday and The American President on DVD. Ande took her mother and her mother's friend to Susan's house and I didn't even get out of bed until noon. I also didn't eat anything this morning. Now I'm on the computer and I haven't really made a food plan for the day. Well, this is it: we'll be going out to dinner tonight, so for now I'll eat a little more broccoli/pork stew for lunch and stay off the grazing until tonight.

I want to get back on track ASAP and learn to have contingency plans. It's like my plans don't work out, so I'm "allowed" to cheat. It's a bullshit way of being, and I've been doing it forever. I'm going to find a solution to this and get on top of what's been a booby trap for me on a million occasions.

Take a lesson, Steve: plans that don't work out is not permission to "cheat." Find an alternate plan that still gets you to the finish line like you want. Keep your eyes on the prize. Find another right way to achieve what you want to achieve.

If you have to, make Plan B concurrently with Plan A. Establish a "just in case" mind frame.

Dear God, let me get this lesson, absorb it, and implement a solution. Help me break old patterns and keep my eyes on the prize. Amen.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Moving Ahead

Yesterday was amazing - I cooked a fabulous chinese dinner for eight (low-fat, gluten-free) and was around food all day, preparing the meal, but didn't eat much at all. I could've gone for another plate of food after dinner, but it was all gone. I also noticed yesterday that my huge double chin is less round and there's a wattle forming! Normally I would guess that would be bad news to most people, but for me, looking for signs of weight loss, the wattle is gold!

But it's funny: those first actual signs of weight loss coupled with increased energy usually sends me out foraging for food. It's like my subconscious says, "WARNING! Fat reserves low! RESTOCK!" The hungry button gets hit. But if I wait it out I'll keep losing and the subconscious finally grasps that this is what I want to do, and it starts supporting the loss. I always think of the Queen Mary. I went on a tour of it when I was 13 and the thing that struck me the most was that it took 45 minutes to turn the ship around. I've been moving in the fat-storage direction for so long it takes awhile for all the various divisions of Stevie Inc to get the memo and start following the plan. Physical, spiritual, emotional, conscious, subconscious, mental, lizard-brain, dreams, they all need to be in sync to get this ship steering toward health.

I didn't sleep very well last night so today I'm a little more tired. I feel good, though. I am going to leave the house for awhile today - go for a drive, mail a couple of things, maybe get the car cleaned, and of course I'll eat something. But instead of going to Mr. P's, I think I'll try to find the burrito place I went to that had the great traditional stewed chicken burritos. They're actually delicious and not that high calorically or fatwise. Or maybe I'll find something else. I just need to get outta here.

As I write this post I'm listening to ambient radio and it's wonderful. Reminds me of tooling around Palm Springs in my '63 Olds 98 convertible with "Songs of the Pliedes" blasting away. I felt so connected to the universe there. I feel it here, too. Darielle said it's because living in the desert is like living on a huge pile of crystals, all focusing energy. I used to float in my pool at night and look up at the stars, try to spot the various constellations, and just wonder at the vastness of it all. In Seattle, you rarely see the stars, sometimes you go days without seeing the sun or the moon, and there's a disconnectedness to it. Here, I see the moon, the sun and the stars every day and night.

This blog is an important tool, too - there's always a connection in my life between things going well (i.e., losing weight) and journaling. This is a little different, because the journal isn't just for myself (well, right now it is). But I know it helps to set down my thoughts and feelings, and the process is conducive to healthy living.

I'm also singing a lot more now. Again the iTunes is fabulous for allowing me to put together a file called "singalong" with various songs I love to sing, then just playing it either on my computer or on my iPod. I used to say that the vibrations of singing turned all my cells around so they were facing in the same direction. It's like taking a vibration shower and everything gets smoothed. That's why I pursued the music therapy idea in Palm Springs, because I was deriving so much benefit from toning, not the muscle kind but the music kind.

I used to say that with every pound stored on my body there was an event or sadness or issue stored with it. And when I lose the pound, the event is brought to the surface to deal with. This is a generalization, but I still believe it. It's the best part of the diet process, really, because it gives me an opportunity to "deal" with stuff. I know it's coming, it's important, and I'm ready to deal with it. All of it. Whatever it is.

One of the things I used to do when journaling was to end each entry with a prayer or affirmation, and I know there's a hokey factor here, but I'm gonna do it with this blog.

Dear God, thank you for where you've brought me, all the blessings you've given me, and for the path ahead. I am eager, willing and grateful to take the steps you encourage me to take. I love and accept myself as I am, just the way I am, even as I make efforts to change. I love and accept the person I will be tomorrow, the next day, next week, next year, ten years and more from now, because then will become now, and now is when I love and accept myself, just the way I am.
Amen.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I had a great day yesterday, felt great and refrained from eating things I normally would want to eat. I'm more energized and more willing to be active. This is very important, because lots of times I eat because I'm tired and want to perk up. But eating doesn't usually help.

So yesterday I was out and about, had to take some boxes to the dump, and I have been dreaming about a trip to Mr. Powdrell's all week. A little background: Mr. Powdrell's is a fabulous barbeque place with a DRIVE-THRU window! This is pretty much my fantasy come true. I spotted it on the old Route 66 the first week I was here, and have been there maybe five times in the last two months. Their beef ribs are tender, greasy, caramelized, and a total debauch. I park under a tree in a mobile home park nearby, balance the container on my belly, and have twenty minutes of total pleasure. They sell a pound of ribs but they must give me twice as much, and it couldn't be worse for me, but oh damn, it's a fantastic treat. Anyway, I didn't get to Mr. Powdrell's since early last week, and I was DUE - I think about it every time I'm in the car, and dream of the flavors and of the grease coating my mouth. I could easily have gone to Mr. P's yesterday, but I DIDN'T WANT TO. I took my "temperature" and discovered I wasn't really hungry (or craving anything, for that matter) so I decided to skip it. This is the sort of event that, frankly, hardly happens. I usually go ahead and do the bad thing when it comes to food. But yesterday I didn't.

That craving for a mouth full of fat, basically - so amazing. My body wants to store fat, it wants to collect it in the most expeditious way possible, and it wants to experience the explosion of endorphins which are unleashed when my mouth and stomach are full of high-fat deliciousness. I never naturally think, "I'll eat something nutritious now, flood my body with vitamins, and I'll feel great." No, at base level my instinct is for dense, high-calorie, high-fat food with a smooth fat mouthfeel: cheese, meat, ice cream, mayo-laced sandwiches, butter-laced pastas and breads, cream cheese, sour cream, whole milk. I like sweets but they're not my heaven the way fats are. I like vegetables but I prefer them dripping with fat. I like salads, but with lots of dressing.

Surprisingly, I love fresh fruit and plain water. I believe these are the only two things I like which are actually good for me!

I wonder if the reason I like the feel of fat in my mouth is that it mimics wetness. Wetness and fatness deliver the flavor quickly to the tongue. I enjoy soups, even clear fat-free broths, because the flavor is delivered quickly. Compare that to a mouthful of unseasoned brown rice. It takes seconds before the actual flavor (which I like) starts to permeate my tongue, and I don't get the "rush" of a flavor blast. It's good, but it would be better with butter and salt. It's part of my immediate gratification need.

Once in a blue moon I'll take a slug of vinegar or soy sauce, just to have the flavor overdose. I love to suck on a lemon wedge. If there were a way to add the "total flavor experience" to foods that were good for me, I could get satisfaction. Something to think about.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I'm pretty dang happy these days! I love the sunshine and the warmth and the dogs and cats and especially Ande's daily company. I used to go days in Seattle without hardly talking to anyone, hardly seeing anyone. I'd plan it that way, just hole up for the weekend and barely move, order food delivered, watch DVDs, pure hibernation. The thing was, I never got to a place where I felt energized or "rested" - mostly I'd be just as logy Monday morning as I was Friday afternoon. Now I get up around 7 every morning, sip my iced soy latte while the dogs scamper around the garden, do a little chore here and a little chore there, and my outlook is phenominal.

I've dropped about 20 pounds since moving to Albuquerque. I've cut back on my eating a lot since moving here, the heat and sunshine are conducive for weight loss for me, and the other part is I'm more active, doing chores and basically moving around more.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

OKAY, HERE GOES

This is the first post on my first blog. Since I came here to Albuquerque with certain goals in mind, I started this blog so I could chart my progress. At this point it's all just for me, but if in the future someone stumbles across this and finds it entertaining or helpful, so much the better. For now, I'm just gonna let it be a chronicle of my "New Mexico Chapter."

A couple things to start:

I'm 46.
I'm a gay white male.
I weigh 500 pounds.
I'm starting a diet really soon. No, really!
I'm living with my friend Ande.
We have three dogs: Stella, Fozzie and Gypsy.
We have five cats: BG, Paloma, Taz, Bobbo and Pippin.
We have one chicken: Puddin'.
I have my own internet business.

That pretty much says it. So my goals for this life chapter are:

Get thinner, healthier, more mobile and energized.
Build my business into a rousing success.
Enjoy family life with Ande and the "kids."
Bring out the brushes and canvases and start painting again.
Find a spiritual outlet, whether church or meditation or prayer.

One year, two years, three years, or more, who knows? But this is an important chapter for me and I'm blessed to have Ande's support.

So here I go, cross your fingers, wish me luck!

posted by Stephen Alexander at 2:43 PM