It never fails: I start taking better care of myself, you know, in the Stevie sense: eating moderately, doing my laundry, trying to move around a little more - and I start to get restless, impatient, frustrated with the rest of my life. What the HELL am I doing working as a secretary when there's so much more I could be doing? What the HELL am I doing living in Albuquerque when I could be running a fish taco stand in Belize? Where the HELL is my boyfriend? What the HELL am I doing wasting my life? My normal (read abnormal) food use obviously keeps a lid on these disturbing feelings. Then KABOOM they're released from the Pandora's box of my soul when I eat moderately. No wonder there's an unconscious drive to reach for the Jarlsberg.
The hard part is not to comfort my restless self, to placate and mollify with food, when I know that the frustration I'm feeling is with myself, the limitations I've created for myself by being fat and the huge job ahead of me. This is the time to be gentle and patient with myself, to forgive myself for creating the conditions I rail against, and to take a deep breath.
In a sense I don't have to get on a scale to know that the "diet" is working - the reappearance of these feelings is a litmus test. I'm acidic. No doubt.
I'm a grand old decrepit coastal resort, shuttered and sagging, battered and beaten by winter storms and driftwood, riddled with wood rot and mildew, and I long to be renovated, brick by brick and board by board, from the foundation to the rooftop, into a bright, whitewashed, breezy, sun-splashed wonder of summer fun and frivolity, but there's just me, one crusty caretaker, with a tool belt and a to-do list a mile long.
Look past the grit and grime of the caretaker's craggy face into his eyes and you'll see a spark of determination -- and hope. By God I'm gonna get this place in ship shape or I'm gonna die trying!
This was the moment in Brokeback when I fell completely in love with Heath Ledger - I already admired him so much for his acting, but this particular moment, when Jack Twist is remembering a long-ago fireside hug complete with gentle rocking back and forth, Ennis mumbling unintelligible sweet nothings into his ear, humming and rocking, rocking and humming . . and then Jack in the present day staring longingly at Ennis as he drives off in his beat-up truck . . it's a devastating moment in the movie and maybe the most tender, naturally loving moment ever filmed between two men.
It's been the strangest and most wonderful two weeks, ever since I moved to the new apartment on the pool. A feng shui expert would probably tell me that the energy flow in the new apartment is ideal, which would explain all the good things that are happening for me. It's true: the mountains surrounding Albuquerque form a bowl, and if you poured liquid energy down the sides of the bowl, it would flow like Vanquish in a toilet tsunami into the pool and then into my apartment. Flush! Whoosh! My life is working now!
So here's what's been happening:
I've lost 20 pounds. I've been sleeping at least 6 hours a night, sometimes as much as 10 hours. I've taken the time to shop for food and prepare all my meals ahead of time (hence the weight loss). I've read three self-helpy books that have somehow made perfect sense and have been well integrated into my mindscape. I've done ALL my laundry, including spot-treating stains and sewing on missing buttons, hung everything up, and color-coordinated the various shelves and racks in my closet. I've completely unpacked, stored seldom-used items in the storage room, broken down the cartons and boxes into a nice stack, and made a run to Salvation Army with three carloads of goodies. I've applied whitening strips to my teeth every night (although I'm still missing my upper front tooth a'la a distant cousin of Dolly Parton). I caught up completely on assignments at work, including FILING and SHREDDING. I watched the entire "Band of Brothers" series and read the Stephen Ambrose book. I detailed my car.
These are just average self-care things to most people, but for me it represents a fundamental shift in behavior, due to the aforementioned flushing effect, and to my kindly, helpful life coach Mia, who has steered me gently to look at the big picture.
Yes, I'm a chronic, persistent emotional overeater; have been since at least 5 years old.
Yes, I haven't taken good care of myself, having followed in the footsteps of at least three generations of passive-aggressive codependents. Bright, witty, gorgeous, talented and engaging passive-aggressive codependents, I might add.
Yes, at 49 I am the sum total of my experiences as filtered through erroneous beliefs and expectations, and I understand how changing those beliefs and expectations gives me a fighting chance to achieve a different (better!) outcome.
As I absorbed these lessons, and as I worked concurrently to forgive myself for somehow not understanding (or assimilating) these things before, I didn't try to make dietary changes or anything else. I just let it all sink in. Pretty soon, the desire to do good things for myself started to bloom. Going to the doctor for the first time in 12 years; getting the sleep tests; working with Mia; making the decision to move nearer the pool; and in the last two weeks, things are starting to happen.
Now, I'm not so naive as to think it's all a slam dunk from this moment forward, but it does somehow feel easier, more natural, more comfortable; and in that place of ease, in that place of peace, I am ready to receive all that my come to me. Amen! Hallelujah! I am changing, tryin' every way I can I am changing, I'll be better than I am I'm trying-to find a way to understand But I need you, I need you-I need a hand
I am changing, seeing everything so clear now I am changng, I'm gonna start right now, right here I'm hoping to work it out, and I know that I can But I need you, I need a hand
All my life I've been a fool Who said I could do it all alone How many good friends have I already lost How many dark nights have I known
Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find All those years of darkness-can make a person blind But now I can see
I am changing, tryin every way I can I am changing, I'll be better than I am But I need a friend-to help me start all over again, oh-that would be just fine I know it's fonna work out this time 'Cause this time I am-This time I am
I am changing, gonna get my life together now I am changing, yes, I know how I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind I'll change my life-I'll make a vow And nothing's gonna stop me now...hey
